[ ketsora. when the assignment finally comes in, coupled with the grouping, charles is just glad the waiting is over — but then, as he talks to his group, gets details of the place... well. it's a good thing he got his magic cricket bat back.
it takes him maybe twenty minutes to pack his bag, most of the time going to wrapping a mirror very, very carefully and stuffing it in the backpack; then, with the handle of his cricket bat sticking out of the bag, he hops into the mirror in his apartment and promptly emerges from the mirror in junpei's house, calling out, ]
Hey, [ and it should maybe be strange, the way this has become normal, him simply stepping out of the mirror without even so much as texting in advance — in many ways, coming here feels more like coming home than his own place does, though charles actively avoids thinking of that more than absolutely necessary. gab is all too happy to provide a distraction from his thoughts, though, running up to him, and charles drops into a squat to scratch him behind his ears, laughing. ]
Yeah, I know, I missed you, [ he says with a soft smile, and as he lifts his eyes from the dog to where footsteps have alerted him to junpei walking closer, too, he tries very hard to pretend he's not saying the words to the both of them.
(he's been gone, what, half a day? doesn't matter, that.)
then, straightening up, ] You told me to stop by before I go. So... [ he shrugs, as if to say, well, here i am. ]
[There's a part of Junpei that selfishly hopes the orders will never come in; that Charles will come over not to say goodbye, but to tell him how strange it is but they decided not to go, or that he should stay here, or any other reason—but that's selfish. That's a daydream he allows himself to indulge in while he sluggishly, half-heartedly makes himself lunch, the bleakest sandwich anyone has ever made. No one has ever stared at a loaf of bread and yearned as hard as Junpei Tenmyouji does while hoping against hope that everything miraculously resolves itself in record time.
Of course it doesn't; of course it won't. He hears Gab trot out from his favorite spot under the coffee table a split second before he hears Charles' voice, because the dog seems to have a sixth sense for when the mirror is about to turn into a passageway, somehow.
He stands there for an extra couple seconds and gives this rye bread a tragic kind of look, just to center himself. Just a few seconds, then his feet carry him over to Charles before he can quite remember to control his expression. Hang on, he's fine—]
Hey. Uh...
[He's- he's still holding a piece of bread, which he hastily stoops down to give Gab, like he planned it that way. It's suddenly very awkward in a way it never is when Charles is around, but that's his own fault. He sighs and crosses his arms, then uncrosses them immediately after. Okay.
Okay.]
I, uh, I was trying to think of something better than "be careful" to say, but...
[He shrugs; he stared at bread for ten straight minutes instead, actually, but Charles doesn't need to know that. Junpei looks at him for another beat before sidestepping around Gab to go straight in for a hug, a touch rougher than he means to. Hey.]
[ as he lifts his eyes from gab to junpei, it is just in time to catch that expression on his face before he tries his best to wipe it away; but it's enough for charles to drop his smile, for his own expression to turn into something more concerned. and with the halting words that fill the space between them, well, it's — not strange, not exactly, but he is unused to this kind of distance, like the words that are spoken are simply there in place of something else.
and so when junpei crosses the physical distance separating them, charles wraps him in his arms and holds him like that alone could make whatever lingering awkwardness there is disappear. ]
Course I will, [ he says softly, and maybe he means it more in the way of not being outright reckless, but he will promise this, he'll promise anything if it makes junpei sound less like he's fraying along the edges.
and yeah, maybe he meant to come here and leave almost immediately... but there's no way in hell he's leaving like this. he's not in a hurry; he can catch up with the others easily enough. and now that he's here, it's all too easy to remember that he doesn't actually want to leave at all — what he wants is to stay right here, with junpei and gab, preferably forever.
slowly, he pulls back; his arms never move completely away, though, instead his hands slide up from where they are holding onto junpei, up his back and then onto his arms, staying there. ]
You'll be okay, [ and the sentence starts as a reassurance but ends as a question, like all he really cares about is that he'll be okay, here, and like it's only just now occurring to him that being safe might not equal okay. and he almost, almost says i'll be fine, don't worry, but that'd be assuming that junpei's level of okay-ness depends on him in any way and that's — well, that's a bit egotistical. ]
[If, in the moment when Charles' arms close around him, Junpei abruptly has the idea to simply refuse to let go so that he can't go anywhere— well, who could blame him? Charles says he'll be careful, and Junpei mostly believes that, unless someone else out there on this insane mission needs help, and then he knows there isn't any power that can hold Charles back, which is so wonderful of him and also so, so stressful—
So, well, who could blame Junpei for his errant selfish ideas.
He doesn't feel better instantly, in Charles' arms, but it does help, and it's not at all the time to address that. He doesn't immediately look up either, when Charles pulls back, instead taking a moment to look aside and down and grimace at the floor.]
Sitting on my ass right here...? I'm fine.
[Assuming the world doesn't melt, or anything. He will be fine, sitting here not getting involved, and while he's remaining firm on not going anywhere, he still can't help the guilty surge of acknowledging it like this. Sure, his own stability is important, but he sure does feel like a coward about it.
Not important. Not right now. He looks up, brow furrowed.]
You need to be okay. And not 'hero doing loads of self-sacrifice'-okay, alright?
[ his small frown doesn't go away, because he can see that grimace and hear the way junpei's voice twists and he wants to tell him that it's fine to stay, except it'd only sound placating and not at all helpful — and it's not like he can say what he thinks, either, that his continued state of okay-ness does, in fact, depend on junpei being safe, and if he was out there somewhere charles would not be able to focus on anything else.
maybe he should say as much — but then he's distracted by junpei looking at him, and with a kind of a laugh that sounds almost more like a scoff, he shakes his head and says, ] I'm not a hero.
[ and then, before junpei can try and refute that, he slides his hands from the sides of his arms to his shoulders, leaves his thumbs pressed to the hollows by his collarbones, ] And I'll be fine. I'm going out there with actual superheroes, aren't I? Besides, if all goes well, we don't even need to fight.
[ and if they do — well, then he's got his cricket bat, now, which has served him well for decades.
(does he promise anything? no. is anything that he's saying an agreement that he won't, in fact, step in front of someone else is they need it? no, not really. because it's not a promise he can make, not when he's also going out there with people who need to make it to the terminals — stem people, those who actually know shit about what to do with the ai. in the face of that, he's pretty damn inconsequential.) ]
[Junpei makes a face, like he really is about to start refuting, he has a great point to make about semantics and nitpicking and deliberately ignoring his point in favor of the former two things-! But, well, "actual superheroes"?]
Like in capes and spandex...?
[Which isn't even really the point; he doesn't know who all has been told to go out there with Charles, and he doesn't even know who all has volunteered, but surely, surely a nonzero number of people going out there are the same people who kept telling Charles on the network that he doesn't count and doesn't matter. Statistically, it feels likely, and Junpei doesn't particularly care what kind of experience anyone else going out there has if there's no way of knowing their true feelings, call it, about, well, someone like Charles. Death, in general.
Well, it's not reassuring. Everyone going out there should be vetted first and have to prove they aren't selfishly destructive, in his opinion. He's been in enough deadly situations to know that most people are going to look out for number one and only number one, if things go sideways enough.
Too bad. He shakes his head.]
Look, just— try not to throw yourself in front of anything? If something happens to you...
[Well, what is he going to do then—even with, or even especially because of the nebulous nature of death and disappearance in this place, with the added factor of messing with the very fabric of the world— He doesn't want to think about it. He can read between the lines, too, of Charles' convenient sidestepping around keeping himself safe, because he's done the exact same thing so many times. He knows this one, and he kind of wants to argue about it, but at the same time, the looming thought that this could be the last time they get to talk makes him reconsider.
He's still making the face, though. He curls his fingers around Charles' wrists, not to pull his hands away - just to hold. For emphasis, maybe, or something like that.]
Just try and come back in one piece. [mmmmm-] Here. To... me.
Don't know about the cape, but they definitely have the suits.
[ and really, what are the odds that three out of five in their group are all spider-people — miller must have grouped them together on the basis of them knowing how to work together. but he feels he's lucky to know nearly everyone in his team; they're all good people, shinji and the younger peter and gwen, good and kind and they care about others, about the ai, and, you know. there are definitely those he'd feel less happy to have been grouped with.
but junpei hasn't even once asked to know of the details, and charles is happy to keep it that way — the less he knows about ketsora, about the tall walls of the fortress and its defenses that charles will somehow have to get through, the better.
if something happens to you, junpei says and doesn't finish the statement, and charles thinks, don't you get that that's how i feel about you, and then immediately after thinks, oh, because even if it's not in the same way, with the same depth of feeling as for him — maybe, just maybe, junpei's state of okay-ness does depend on him being safe, too. and though safe isn't something he can promise, not really...
well, that's just fine, because the halting words that follow make something warm unfold inside his chest, make his eyes go soft as he lifts his hand, junpei's own still holding onto his wrist, and places his palm against the side of his face, cupping his cheek gently and brushing his thumb across his cheek. ]
... Yeah. I promise.
[ and is it a promise he should be making? perhaps not, with how so many things can go wrong, with how this could very well be the last time they even meet — and yet, he can't do anything else, because it is the one promise he wants, more than anything, to keep... because there's no one else that he'd want to come back to. ]
[Wow, the suits, that's kind of goofy— a thought he will choose not to share, but mostly only because he's in too much of a sulk to make jokes.
And cynically he notices the particular difference here, that Charles will promise to come back to him but not to take care of himself, but he's not going to argue about that now either. Maybe if Charles comes back safe and sound, Junpei can give him a good scolding about that, if he manages to let go of him long enough. Maybe he'll say some other things, too.
He sighs and inches his hand up to cover Charles', tilting his head just a little into the touch. If he tries very hard to ignore, like, so many things, this is how close he wants to be to Charles all the time— but since he can't ignore so many things, all he can feel about it is the same vague dread he's been feeling for what feels like ages now.]
Okay.
[He's quiet after that, like he wants to say something but he can't think of anything to say except futile attempts at being lighthearted and optimistic about this whole thing, and since he really isn't, all of those feel stilted and hollow before he even bothers to try. Still, he feels like he has to say something else, something that isn't so... dismal? So convinced that something is going to go terribly wrong.
...It's harder than it seems. How does he feel about just this thing, Charles going off to do some heroics even if he won't admit that that's what he's doing, without the threat of it all going wrong? Hmm.]
I know I'm not, y'know, really gungho about this, but uh... It's good of you go at all, yeah? And don't— don't start doing your thing where you're all, nooo, anybody would do that, I'm not super good and brave, because that's just not true.
[Case in point: himself, opting out of playing the hero this time, but they are not talking about that. They are talking about his actual point, which he's finally dug out from the rubble of the rest of his worse emotions, here:]
I guess I mean, it sucks to have to do it, but... I'm proud of you for doing it.
[ seeing junpei like this, full of this kind of quiet desolation, well — it just about breaks his heart, and so instead of letting go, charles lets his fingertips run up and down the side of his face. and perhaps strangely, junpei's words have almost the opposite effect on him — because he would much rather he be happy than proud of him, and if him going is causing him to look like this, filled with dread and worry, then is it even worth it to go? what does the entire world matter, when weighed against this, them, here?
he sighs and leans his head down, to touch their foreheads together for just a moment. ]
You know I almost decided not to go? [ pulling back, he gives junpei a small smile, and maybe he wouldn't be able to, if he didn't have decades of experience smiling even when he feels nothing like it. ]
All I really wanna do is stay. That's all I want whenever I'm with you, yeah? [ and that's — that's too close to the words he can't say, not now, not like this, and he rushes to keep speaking, to bury that under the rest of it all. ]
And really, will they need me? Probably not. I mean, why would they? I'm just, [ he shrugs and seems to think that says enough, says a normal guy who happens to be a ghost, that he's not a superhero, he's not like gwen or peter or scott. ] The most I've got is that I can walk through stuff. But... I promised Root. And I don't wanna be the kind of guy who goes back on his promises.
[ another small smile, a little more real than the previous one, tilts his lips upwards. ] So I'll go, because I promised... and I'll come back, because I promised. The second whatever terminal I end up at is dealt with, yeah? I — [ he removes the hand that's still holding onto junpei's shoulder, to jostle his backpack, so junpei can see it's actually stretched pretty tight, like he's just about managed to stuff something that barely fits in there, ] — I have a mirror with me.
[ so it won't take him days to come back, should that be the case for the others — he's literally just one step away. ]
[This whole thing already has Junpei feeling messier than he'd like, and he's sure his sulking and rambling isn't making him look good in any way, let alone calm and collected about the ordeal. Then Charles has to go and lean in as close as he does, and say what he does, and Junpei's flimsy grasp on his self control nearly gives up then and there. Charles can't just do that, that's not fair of him at all— Junpei makes another face, almost a smile, quite strained, but Charles keeps going on and on before he can slide a word in.
Probably for the best. Actually putting voice to that feeling, that all he - well, they, apparently, all they want to do is be near each other, is toeing the line of what's good and sensible to say right now. Maybe even asking Charles to come see him before leaving was a bad idea, who knows how distracted he'll be out there, now that Junpei has dumped all this other stuff on him. Mm.
He mutters,] 'Course you don't, [because of course Charles wouldn't go back on his promises, he's too good for that, and at least one of them is willing to acknowledge that truth. As for this mirror,]
You put it in your backpack...?
[Wry, and with the tiniest bit more amusement than he's managed this whole time, because it's silly. Not the intent, no, of course not, a mirror is an escape plan is a way out, even if Junpei is sure Charles won't use it until he feels like everyone else is safe, because he's too good— Still, the option is good to have. It makes him feel a little better. The silly part is the mental image of Charles running around god knows where with an unwieldy backpack full of mirror, trying to maneuver... yeah.
He nods - okay, it's fine, it's going to be fine, sure - and can't help but crowd into Charles' space to hug him again. If he looks him in the face for too long he's going to say something stupid and poorly timed, so, this—]
Stay when you get back. No time limits, no big action movie missions. No bullshit. [Ideally, no bullshit, who knows,] Just you and me.
Where else was I gonna put it, [ he answers with not nearly as much humour as there would be under different circumstances, and yet it's the most levity he's managed during this whole conversation so far. and really, it's not like he doesn't know it's not necessarily ideal, but he can't really carry one with him any other way, and he needs it — there's absolutely no way he's not going to come back the second he can, the very second their reset mission no longer needs him.
and then junpei's arms are around him again and he responds automatically in kind, holds him close and lets his head dip forward so he can rest it against his shoulder for a second or two, lets his eyes fall shut and thinks if i could i'd stay here just like this — except he can't, of course, which is the whole reason he's here. and yet, he's not entirely sure he has the strength to let go, especially not when junpei tells him to stay when he's back, and that — ]
As long as you want. [ he lifts his head as he says this, and perhaps in another situation, he'd make a quip about whether junpei is asking him to move in with him; but he can't joke, not now, and perhaps never about this, not when he thinks he's made it pretty clear there's nowhere else he'd rather be, ever, than with junpei.
but he can't — and with a final squeeze of his arms around junpei, he steps back and turns towards the mirror. ]
Right, [ he says, with a smile that doesn't quite reach his eyes, ] I guess... I'm off, then. [ and to his credit, he makes it as far as the mirror before he turns to look back, and god if the idea of leaving isn't like a physical ache; he takes a moment to simply look at junpei, because if this is the last time they see each other, then he wants to remember. and maybe there's another version of this where he turns back like he wants, where he crosses the distance between them and kisses junpei like he so badly wants to — but in this version of events, he simply stands in place, almost helplessly quiet for a moment. ] Junpei, I — [ he starts, and stops; his smile wavers just a bit. ]
... You be safe. [ and with that, he turns back to the mirror, its surface turning liquidy, his own form turning blue and translucent, and it just takes one step for him to be gone. ]
[Would that he could take this moment and put a pin in it just like this, use it to keep time at bay, to hold of Charles' inevitable exit. If he could hold tight enough that Charles couldn't go anywhere at all, that Charles would be so wrapped up in this that his team would solve the whole problem easily and not even need an extra set of hands— but all of those are just fantasies, and Junpei knows better. He scoffs quietly, cheek pressed into Charles' shoulder; Charles says he only wants to be around Junpei and then hits him with the "as long as you want," like it's entirely up to Junpei...
They'll get to that. When Charles is back, they'll get to that, and whatever else they have to get to. He crosses his arms as Charles steps back, to keep himself from reaching for him again; this is real and happening and he can't put it off any longer, no matter how badly he wants to.
Whatever Charles leaves unsaid there at the last moment will drive him crazy for the next few days, but—]
I— yeah. You too.
[But there he goes, and Junpei stands there and looks at the still surface of the mirror for longer than he'll readily admit after he's gone.
He makes it almost a whole two days after that, before his plan to leave Charles to his business without distractions collapses in on itself. To his credit, he thinks about it for a while, staring at his tablet. And the iterations, oh, his backspace button is getting the workout of a lifetime—
"is it done yet," no, that's pushy and probably insensitive,
"gab says hi," no, god, he's not that embarrassing, that's just stupid,
[ to say that he's a bit distracted on the way to ketsora would be an understatement. the first time they set camp, he contemplates on taking out his mirror and just going back, if briefly — but he can admit to himself that the likelihood of him being able to leave for a second time is abysmal, and so the mirror stays in his bag.
for the entire first night there, he alternates between looking at his phone and wondering whether messaging junpei would make things better or worse, and flipping through his notebook, making idle sketches to pass the time.
the second day, when they're finally on the outskirts of ketsora and preparing their plan for infiltration, the ping of his phone makes charles let out an entirely unnecessary breath in abject relief, because in the end, the only reason he'd not messaged junpei before had been his uncertainty over whether he'd like to hear anything of what's going on — and that he is willing to put aside his distaste for this whole endeavour just to text him, well. that means a lot to him. ]
so far so good.
riding horses is a bloody pain though, can't believe some people do this for fun
[ he stares at the screen a bit too long after that, nearly deleting the whole thing, because they didn't manage levity very well two days ago, can they manage it now? but, god, he can't not try. if he tries very, very hard to be as normal as possible, maybe he'll manifest it into reality. ]
[Oh, good, he's there, what a relief— a bigger sense of relief than Junpei had expected, honestly, especially given how wound up he's gotten himself over these past two days. But Charles is there, and apparently even has downtime to text him, and to make little quips about horses? All good signs, and Junpei sinks down into the couch where he's flopped gracelessly on it, eyes glued to the tablet so he couldn't possibly miss a single message.]
didn't know you even knew how to ride a horse. i don't.
[At the back of his mind he doesn't want to talk about horses at all, he wants to dump every feeling he has for Charles into this text box and send it, he wants Charles' next message to suddenly be "oh hey we're done early, be back soon!"
But, well, that's not happening, and since not knowing every detail is killing him but knowing every detail would make him worse— horse chatter is what they've got.]
[ meanwhile, charles withdraws from the rest of his team, leaving the spiders and shinji to chat while he finds a large enough rock to perch on. ]
yeah, my uncle - mum's brother - he owned some, back in india. we went to visit a few times when i was a kid and he taught me
[ and this — this is normal enough that he can almost fool himself into thinking this is any other day, and they're just spending the time talking about nothing in particular. and if he thinks about it like that it's easier; because if he really lets himself think of everything, well, there's so many other things he'd rather be saying... but just as he hadn't said them before leaving, for a good reason, it's not like the reason has changed in the last two days. ]
brownie. and if you think, oh, it's probably brown, you'd be wrong. it's actually grey. whoever named it has a weird sense of humour
yeah? that's cool. i'd say you should teach me, but since it sucks, i dunno.
[Anyway. This is a normal conversation with absolutely no AI terminal elephants in the room. Talking to Charles has always made Junpei feel better about whatever's been happening, and this - even if the thing happening directly involves Charles - is no exception. And tiny Charles on a horse probably was really cute, too - a worthwhile distraction to think about.]
what would they name a grey horse that involves being grey? dryer lint? my noble steed, dust bunny?
hey, you never know. maybe you'd like it. and if i'm teaching you i don't have to ride, so
[ so it's a win all around, really. and besides, thinking about it is — nice, something beyond the immediate future, something that implies there is a normal future after whatever happens with the terminals... and just that alone makes him feel tremendously better. ]
well, actually, dust bunny's a pretty cute name, innit? i could name a horse that.
we can find one of those smaller ones for you. or a pony
[ read: you're tiny, actually. but that's cute, so it's all fine. and shh, they're very much not thinking about what's happening after the next few days... ]
well, yeah? i mean, maybe it's not the name for a noble steed or whatever, but if i had to have a horse, reckon i'd rather have one that's old and lazy and dust bunny's perfect for that
[ 'i'll get you whatever you want' is what he writes, first, and then just backspaces it away. ]
why not?
[ "because the world might not exist in a day's time or so" is not an acceptable answer. he is very much ignoring that. because there will be a world and he will be able to teach junpei to ride. ]
yeah, it'll be too old and lazy to even bother. you'll have a nice and easy time.
[The world really might just end, and he might not be all that excited about learning to ride a horse, but sure, it sounds great. If Charles wants to literally get him a pony, he will... look up how to take care of it.]
gab's fine. [...] he misses you.
[....yeah, maybe he is this embarrassing,] so do i.
[ he's — not entirely sure what he expected as an answer, but what he gets leaves him staring at the tablet with an expression that's as much longing as it is tender. ]
i miss you, too.
[ is it embarrassing? not really, not to him, not when it's simply something that's a fact of his continued existence, now — that any time they're not together, he's going to miss junpei. of course he will. of course he does. ]
shouldn't be too long, now. maybe a day or so. there's still some stuff to do, but
[ but! he's not talking about what it is, or any details... but he hopes once they actually get going with the plan, it won't take too long. ]
[Ah, give him a moment to stare at that first message for a bit. Not that it's a surprise, but give him a moment to savor it. The second one not so much...]
oh. that's good. so i'll see you soon then.
[This is a nice conversation about horses and so on, but he can't pretend the whole time that he hasn't been thinking about this the whole time.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
time for some very gay goodbyes 💖
it takes him maybe twenty minutes to pack his bag, most of the time going to wrapping a mirror very, very carefully and stuffing it in the backpack; then, with the handle of his cricket bat sticking out of the bag, he hops into the mirror in his apartment and promptly emerges from the mirror in junpei's house, calling out, ]
Hey, [ and it should maybe be strange, the way this has become normal, him simply stepping out of the mirror without even so much as texting in advance — in many ways, coming here feels more like coming home than his own place does, though charles actively avoids thinking of that more than absolutely necessary. gab is all too happy to provide a distraction from his thoughts, though, running up to him, and charles drops into a squat to scratch him behind his ears, laughing. ]
Yeah, I know, I missed you, [ he says with a soft smile, and as he lifts his eyes from the dog to where footsteps have alerted him to junpei walking closer, too, he tries very hard to pretend he's not saying the words to the both of them.
(he's been gone, what, half a day? doesn't matter, that.)
then, straightening up, ] You told me to stop by before I go. So... [ he shrugs, as if to say, well, here i am. ]
no subject
Of course it doesn't; of course it won't. He hears Gab trot out from his favorite spot under the coffee table a split second before he hears Charles' voice, because the dog seems to have a sixth sense for when the mirror is about to turn into a passageway, somehow.
He stands there for an extra couple seconds and gives this rye bread a tragic kind of look, just to center himself. Just a few seconds, then his feet carry him over to Charles before he can quite remember to control his expression. Hang on, he's fine—]
Hey. Uh...
[He's- he's still holding a piece of bread, which he hastily stoops down to give Gab, like he planned it that way. It's suddenly very awkward in a way it never is when Charles is around, but that's his own fault. He sighs and crosses his arms, then uncrosses them immediately after. Okay.
Okay.]
I, uh, I was trying to think of something better than "be careful" to say, but...
[He shrugs; he stared at bread for ten straight minutes instead, actually, but Charles doesn't need to know that. Junpei looks at him for another beat before sidestepping around Gab to go straight in for a hug, a touch rougher than he means to. Hey.]
So... be careful.
no subject
and so when junpei crosses the physical distance separating them, charles wraps him in his arms and holds him like that alone could make whatever lingering awkwardness there is disappear. ]
Course I will, [ he says softly, and maybe he means it more in the way of not being outright reckless, but he will promise this, he'll promise anything if it makes junpei sound less like he's fraying along the edges.
and yeah, maybe he meant to come here and leave almost immediately... but there's no way in hell he's leaving like this. he's not in a hurry; he can catch up with the others easily enough. and now that he's here, it's all too easy to remember that he doesn't actually want to leave at all — what he wants is to stay right here, with junpei and gab, preferably forever.
slowly, he pulls back; his arms never move completely away, though, instead his hands slide up from where they are holding onto junpei, up his back and then onto his arms, staying there. ]
You'll be okay, [ and the sentence starts as a reassurance but ends as a question, like all he really cares about is that he'll be okay, here, and like it's only just now occurring to him that being safe might not equal okay. and he almost, almost says i'll be fine, don't worry, but that'd be assuming that junpei's level of okay-ness depends on him in any way and that's — well, that's a bit egotistical. ]
no subject
So, well, who could blame Junpei for his errant selfish ideas.
He doesn't feel better instantly, in Charles' arms, but it does help, and it's not at all the time to address that. He doesn't immediately look up either, when Charles pulls back, instead taking a moment to look aside and down and grimace at the floor.]
Sitting on my ass right here...? I'm fine.
[Assuming the world doesn't melt, or anything. He will be fine, sitting here not getting involved, and while he's remaining firm on not going anywhere, he still can't help the guilty surge of acknowledging it like this. Sure, his own stability is important, but he sure does feel like a coward about it.
Not important. Not right now. He looks up, brow furrowed.]
You need to be okay. And not 'hero doing loads of self-sacrifice'-okay, alright?
no subject
maybe he should say as much — but then he's distracted by junpei looking at him, and with a kind of a laugh that sounds almost more like a scoff, he shakes his head and says, ] I'm not a hero.
[ and then, before junpei can try and refute that, he slides his hands from the sides of his arms to his shoulders, leaves his thumbs pressed to the hollows by his collarbones, ] And I'll be fine. I'm going out there with actual superheroes, aren't I? Besides, if all goes well, we don't even need to fight.
[ and if they do — well, then he's got his cricket bat, now, which has served him well for decades.
(does he promise anything? no. is anything that he's saying an agreement that he won't, in fact, step in front of someone else is they need it? no, not really. because it's not a promise he can make, not when he's also going out there with people who need to make it to the terminals — stem people, those who actually know shit about what to do with the ai. in the face of that, he's pretty damn inconsequential.) ]
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Like in capes and spandex...?
[Which isn't even really the point; he doesn't know who all has been told to go out there with Charles, and he doesn't even know who all has volunteered, but surely, surely a nonzero number of people going out there are the same people who kept telling Charles on the network that he doesn't count and doesn't matter. Statistically, it feels likely, and Junpei doesn't particularly care what kind of experience anyone else going out there has if there's no way of knowing their true feelings, call it, about, well, someone like Charles. Death, in general.
Well, it's not reassuring. Everyone going out there should be vetted first and have to prove they aren't selfishly destructive, in his opinion. He's been in enough deadly situations to know that most people are going to look out for number one and only number one, if things go sideways enough.
Too bad. He shakes his head.]
Look, just— try not to throw yourself in front of anything? If something happens to you...
[Well, what is he going to do then—even with, or even especially because of the nebulous nature of death and disappearance in this place, with the added factor of messing with the very fabric of the world— He doesn't want to think about it. He can read between the lines, too, of Charles' convenient sidestepping around keeping himself safe, because he's done the exact same thing so many times. He knows this one, and he kind of wants to argue about it, but at the same time, the looming thought that this could be the last time they get to talk makes him reconsider.
He's still making the face, though. He curls his fingers around Charles' wrists, not to pull his hands away - just to hold. For emphasis, maybe, or something like that.]
Just try and come back in one piece. [mmmmm-] Here. To... me.
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[ and really, what are the odds that three out of five in their group are all spider-people — miller must have grouped them together on the basis of them knowing how to work together. but he feels he's lucky to know nearly everyone in his team; they're all good people, shinji and the younger peter and gwen, good and kind and they care about others, about the ai, and, you know. there are definitely those he'd feel less happy to have been grouped with.
but junpei hasn't even once asked to know of the details, and charles is happy to keep it that way — the less he knows about ketsora, about the tall walls of the fortress and its defenses that charles will somehow have to get through, the better.
if something happens to you, junpei says and doesn't finish the statement, and charles thinks, don't you get that that's how i feel about you, and then immediately after thinks, oh, because even if it's not in the same way, with the same depth of feeling as for him — maybe, just maybe, junpei's state of okay-ness does depend on him being safe, too. and though safe isn't something he can promise, not really...
well, that's just fine, because the halting words that follow make something warm unfold inside his chest, make his eyes go soft as he lifts his hand, junpei's own still holding onto his wrist, and places his palm against the side of his face, cupping his cheek gently and brushing his thumb across his cheek. ]
... Yeah. I promise.
[ and is it a promise he should be making? perhaps not, with how so many things can go wrong, with how this could very well be the last time they even meet — and yet, he can't do anything else, because it is the one promise he wants, more than anything, to keep... because there's no one else that he'd want to come back to. ]
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And cynically he notices the particular difference here, that Charles will promise to come back to him but not to take care of himself, but he's not going to argue about that now either. Maybe if Charles comes back safe and sound, Junpei can give him a good scolding about that, if he manages to let go of him long enough. Maybe he'll say some other things, too.
He sighs and inches his hand up to cover Charles', tilting his head just a little into the touch. If he tries very hard to ignore, like, so many things, this is how close he wants to be to Charles all the time— but since he can't ignore so many things, all he can feel about it is the same vague dread he's been feeling for what feels like ages now.]
Okay.
[He's quiet after that, like he wants to say something but he can't think of anything to say except futile attempts at being lighthearted and optimistic about this whole thing, and since he really isn't, all of those feel stilted and hollow before he even bothers to try. Still, he feels like he has to say something else, something that isn't so... dismal? So convinced that something is going to go terribly wrong.
...It's harder than it seems. How does he feel about just this thing, Charles going off to do some heroics even if he won't admit that that's what he's doing, without the threat of it all going wrong? Hmm.]
I know I'm not, y'know, really gungho about this, but uh... It's good of you go at all, yeah? And don't— don't start doing your thing where you're all, nooo, anybody would do that, I'm not super good and brave, because that's just not true.
[Case in point: himself, opting out of playing the hero this time, but they are not talking about that. They are talking about his actual point, which he's finally dug out from the rubble of the rest of his worse emotions, here:]
I guess I mean, it sucks to have to do it, but... I'm proud of you for doing it.
[But Be Careful Or Else]
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he sighs and leans his head down, to touch their foreheads together for just a moment. ]
You know I almost decided not to go? [ pulling back, he gives junpei a small smile, and maybe he wouldn't be able to, if he didn't have decades of experience smiling even when he feels nothing like it. ]
All I really wanna do is stay. That's all I want whenever I'm with you, yeah? [ and that's — that's too close to the words he can't say, not now, not like this, and he rushes to keep speaking, to bury that under the rest of it all. ]
And really, will they need me? Probably not. I mean, why would they? I'm just, [ he shrugs and seems to think that says enough, says a normal guy who happens to be a ghost, that he's not a superhero, he's not like gwen or peter or scott. ] The most I've got is that I can walk through stuff. But... I promised Root. And I don't wanna be the kind of guy who goes back on his promises.
[ another small smile, a little more real than the previous one, tilts his lips upwards. ] So I'll go, because I promised... and I'll come back, because I promised. The second whatever terminal I end up at is dealt with, yeah? I — [ he removes the hand that's still holding onto junpei's shoulder, to jostle his backpack, so junpei can see it's actually stretched pretty tight, like he's just about managed to stuff something that barely fits in there, ] — I have a mirror with me.
[ so it won't take him days to come back, should that be the case for the others — he's literally just one step away. ]
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Probably for the best. Actually putting voice to that feeling, that all he - well, they, apparently, all they want to do is be near each other, is toeing the line of what's good and sensible to say right now. Maybe even asking Charles to come see him before leaving was a bad idea, who knows how distracted he'll be out there, now that Junpei has dumped all this other stuff on him. Mm.
He mutters,] 'Course you don't, [because of course Charles wouldn't go back on his promises, he's too good for that, and at least one of them is willing to acknowledge that truth. As for this mirror,]
You put it in your backpack...?
[Wry, and with the tiniest bit more amusement than he's managed this whole time, because it's silly. Not the intent, no, of course not, a mirror is an escape plan is a way out, even if Junpei is sure Charles won't use it until he feels like everyone else is safe, because he's too good— Still, the option is good to have. It makes him feel a little better. The silly part is the mental image of Charles running around god knows where with an unwieldy backpack full of mirror, trying to maneuver... yeah.
He nods - okay, it's fine, it's going to be fine, sure - and can't help but crowd into Charles' space to hug him again. If he looks him in the face for too long he's going to say something stupid and poorly timed, so, this—]
Stay when you get back. No time limits, no big action movie missions. No bullshit. [Ideally, no bullshit, who knows,] Just you and me.
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and then junpei's arms are around him again and he responds automatically in kind, holds him close and lets his head dip forward so he can rest it against his shoulder for a second or two, lets his eyes fall shut and thinks if i could i'd stay here just like this — except he can't, of course, which is the whole reason he's here. and yet, he's not entirely sure he has the strength to let go, especially not when junpei tells him to stay when he's back, and that — ]
As long as you want. [ he lifts his head as he says this, and perhaps in another situation, he'd make a quip about whether junpei is asking him to move in with him; but he can't joke, not now, and perhaps never about this, not when he thinks he's made it pretty clear there's nowhere else he'd rather be, ever, than with junpei.
but he can't — and with a final squeeze of his arms around junpei, he steps back and turns towards the mirror. ]
Right, [ he says, with a smile that doesn't quite reach his eyes, ] I guess... I'm off, then. [ and to his credit, he makes it as far as the mirror before he turns to look back, and god if the idea of leaving isn't like a physical ache; he takes a moment to simply look at junpei, because if this is the last time they see each other, then he wants to remember. and maybe there's another version of this where he turns back like he wants, where he crosses the distance between them and kisses junpei like he so badly wants to — but in this version of events, he simply stands in place, almost helplessly quiet for a moment. ] Junpei, I — [ he starts, and stops; his smile wavers just a bit. ]
... You be safe. [ and with that, he turns back to the mirror, its surface turning liquidy, his own form turning blue and translucent, and it just takes one step for him to be gone. ]
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They'll get to that. When Charles is back, they'll get to that, and whatever else they have to get to. He crosses his arms as Charles steps back, to keep himself from reaching for him again; this is real and happening and he can't put it off any longer, no matter how badly he wants to.
Whatever Charles leaves unsaid there at the last moment will drive him crazy for the next few days, but—]
I— yeah. You too.
[But there he goes, and Junpei stands there and looks at the still surface of the mirror for longer than he'll readily admit after he's gone.
He makes it almost a whole two days after that, before his plan to leave Charles to his business without distractions collapses in on itself. To his credit, he thinks about it for a while, staring at his tablet. And the iterations, oh, his backspace button is getting the workout of a lifetime—
"is it done yet," no, that's pushy and probably insensitive,
"gab says hi," no, god, he's not that embarrassing, that's just stupid,
"i miss you," absolutely not—]
hey. how's it going?
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for the entire first night there, he alternates between looking at his phone and wondering whether messaging junpei would make things better or worse, and flipping through his notebook, making idle sketches to pass the time.
the second day, when they're finally on the outskirts of ketsora and preparing their plan for infiltration, the ping of his phone makes charles let out an entirely unnecessary breath in abject relief, because in the end, the only reason he'd not messaged junpei before had been his uncertainty over whether he'd like to hear anything of what's going on — and that he is willing to put aside his distaste for this whole endeavour just to text him, well. that means a lot to him. ]
so far so good.
riding horses is a bloody pain though, can't believe some people do this for fun
[ he stares at the screen a bit too long after that, nearly deleting the whole thing, because they didn't manage levity very well two days ago, can they manage it now? but, god, he can't not try. if he tries very, very hard to be as normal as possible, maybe he'll manifest it into reality. ]
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didn't know you even knew how to ride a horse. i don't.
[At the back of his mind he doesn't want to talk about horses at all, he wants to dump every feeling he has for Charles into this text box and send it, he wants Charles' next message to suddenly be "oh hey we're done early, be back soon!"
But, well, that's not happening, and since not knowing every detail is killing him but knowing every detail would make him worse— horse chatter is what they've got.]
what's the horse's name?
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yeah, my uncle - mum's brother - he owned some, back in india. we went to visit a few times when i was a kid and he taught me
[ and this — this is normal enough that he can almost fool himself into thinking this is any other day, and they're just spending the time talking about nothing in particular. and if he thinks about it like that it's easier; because if he really lets himself think of everything, well, there's so many other things he'd rather be saying... but just as he hadn't said them before leaving, for a good reason, it's not like the reason has changed in the last two days. ]
brownie. and if you think, oh, it's probably brown, you'd be wrong. it's actually grey. whoever named it has a weird sense of humour
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[Anyway. This is a normal conversation with absolutely no AI terminal elephants in the room. Talking to Charles has always made Junpei feel better about whatever's been happening, and this - even if the thing happening directly involves Charles - is no exception. And tiny Charles on a horse probably was really cute, too - a worthwhile distraction to think about.]
what would they name a grey horse that involves being grey? dryer lint? my noble steed, dust bunny?
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[ so it's a win all around, really. and besides, thinking about it is — nice, something beyond the immediate future, something that implies there is a normal future after whatever happens with the terminals... and just that alone makes him feel tremendously better. ]
well, actually, dust bunny's a pretty cute name, innit? i could name a horse that.
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[Catch him, make it swoon-worthy... First they'd have to get a horse, though, if horses even exist after whatever happens in the next few days.]
what, really?
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[ read: you're tiny, actually. but that's cute, so it's all fine. and shh, they're very much not thinking about what's happening after the next few days... ]
well, yeah? i mean, maybe it's not the name for a noble steed or whatever, but if i had to have a horse, reckon i'd rather have one that's old and lazy and dust bunny's perfect for that
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[Fancy... Add this to his list of perks of being short, which mostly is just specifically: being shorter than Charles—]
so you mean gab, but a horse. i get it. maybe dust bunny's the one horse that won't throw me off.
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why not?
[ "because the world might not exist in a day's time or so" is not an acceptable answer. he is very much ignoring that. because there will be a world and he will be able to teach junpei to ride. ]
yeah, it'll be too old and lazy to even bother. you'll have a nice and easy time.
how's gab?
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[The world really might just end, and he might not be all that excited about learning to ride a horse, but sure, it sounds great. If Charles wants to literally get him a pony, he will... look up how to take care of it.]
gab's fine. [...] he misses you.
[....yeah, maybe he is this embarrassing,] so do i.
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i miss you, too.
[ is it embarrassing? not really, not to him, not when it's simply something that's a fact of his continued existence, now — that any time they're not together, he's going to miss junpei. of course he will. of course he does. ]
shouldn't be too long, now. maybe a day or so. there's still some stuff to do, but
[ but! he's not talking about what it is, or any details... but he hopes once they actually get going with the plan, it won't take too long. ]
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oh. that's good. so i'll see you soon then.
[This is a nice conversation about horses and so on, but he can't pretend the whole time that he hasn't been thinking about this the whole time.]
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yeah, that's the plan. been long enough, already.
[ frankly, he's not eager to have a repeat of this, oh, ever — this being them having to be apart for this long, specifically. ]
just... wait a bit longer, yeah?
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🎀