[Oh, Junpei thinks, he's like, crying crying, and maybe that shakes something loose in the back of his mind; he remembers not being able to shed a tear the last time Charles had gotten... misty, and how odd that felt. It feels odder still now, to have Charles openly crying on his shoulder and to still feel more for that, for him, than for himself.
How many things were on his list, ten? Fifteen? All of them hang heavy around his neck, and thinking about being back there fills him with a sick dread, all of it objectively terrible, but... Put away in the box, still. Tucked away so deeply, so thoroughly that he's suddenly not sure his, uh... brain works? It's the same as the feeling he had the first time, and mm, he ignored it then, too.
Well. Right now, Charles is the focal point, his emotional jumper cables, and it rips his heart out to see him like this. He cups Charles' face in one hand when he pulls back, presses a thumb against his cheek and smears a tear away. If he was annoyed by the questioning earlier, it's gone now, slate wiped clean by the actually important thing: making sure Charles is okay.
Or, wait, and,] I— yeah. I know. I guess I... [He shrugs one shoulder, searching for the right thing to say,] It got... weird in there, you know? Nobody seemed to care that much about the dying thing, and then it was straight here as soon as we got out, so...
[So maybe they'd have acted normal about it if they'd come along, or if he hadn't come here, and he's putting Akane specifically in the box of things he doesn't think about, because it wasn't the first time. He tugs Charles back in close, pressing a kiss to his forehead.]
But I am sorry for saying, uh, fuckall. Not getting the whole story's a real pain in the ass, I get that. I guess I was still thinking like six-months-ago me, when you were just the cute guy from the network. Sorry.
[Now that they've both collapsed, as predicted, gently,] You want to come back up on the bed with me now?
[ it makes him feel some modicum of embarrassment, the way all this is making him sob like this while junpei himself seems so far less affected by shit that actually happened to him — but it's not like he can help it, the way just so much as thinking about the person he loves the most dying so many times, being in pain, and not even being allowed a moment to process any of it, it all cracks him open, fills the depths of his soul with so much sorrow he's drowning in it, and the only way to deal with it is let at least some of it out.
he tilts his head to press against junpei's hand, sniffles a few times, lifts his own hand to wipe the remaining tears with the back of his hand. this isn't a guarantee he won't break down again over this, but at least for now he's more composed, even if his breaths are still hitching a little, like there's little hooks in each of them, catching at his throat. ]
It's okay, [ he says softly, with immediate forgiveness. ] Just, we promised to carry each other's burdens, didn't we? But I can't do that if you don't talk to me. [ gently, to show that he doesn't mean it as admonishment, doesn't hold it against junpei at all when he knows he himself is just as bad at actually talking about his issues, he slides his hands around him again and pulls junpei to him, tucks his face in the crook of his neck for a moment to simply hold him close.
and then, pulling back, ] ... Yeah. Yeah, the bed sounds aces.
[Well—the bed first, before tackling anything else. Junpei mumbles some nonsense about it, an "up we go" as he moves to get them both up there without letting go of Charles for even a moment, and it's only when they've managed to get up there and settled properly into hanging onto each other that he lets himself think about the rest.
They've promised a handful of things, and it's true that neither of them have managed this particular one perfectly well, but - hmm.]
One thing at a time, [is what he comes up with, turning his head to press another kiss to Charles, his temple or his cheek or literally anywhere, anywhere is good,] We can... re-promise, yeah? Starting now.
[Now, of course, to loop Charles' remaining secrets into this circle of forgiveness. Of course there are things Junpei doesn't know, still - the fucking snake thing, Charles going off for those days by himself - but it's fine now. Promise renewed. Easy.
Still. Starting now... Then,] You know how I was counting days 'til my birthday? It was January first when we got out of that hellhole bunker. The new year turned over in the middle of, you know, everything... And now it's generic winter holiday season here, so...
[So he's been quieter, is the rest of that. No matter how hard he pretends it happened to someone else, it's still there. He squeezes his arm tighter around Charles, a physical reminder that Charles is still there, too.]
[ he moves on autopilot — everything is fine, as long as he doesn't have to let go of junpei, and the only notable upside the bed has for him is that it makes it easier for him to hold him better, closer.
the kiss junpei presses against his cheek makes him smile, a little tremulous but real, and he turns his head, too, to press their foreheads together for just a moment, like a punctuation mark on the promise. ] Yeah, [ he says, quiet and honest and all too aware that he's not exactly done his part of their previous promise, either, ] Starting now.
[ echoing the words, there, an i promise without saying as much — and maybe this time, they'll actually do better. junpei certainly is trying, speaking quietly about the time of year, and yeah, that explains his quietness, then. and charles gets it — of course he gets it, he'd done the exact same thing a month or so ago. ]
I get it. Hard not to think about stuff when it's the anniversary, yeah? [ he sighs, and now it's his turn to lean slightly closer, to press a light kiss to wherever he can reach without jostling the way they're holding each other too much. ]
But that's the difference, innit? It's been — half a year or so, then. And if you haven't talked about it more than this... [ he pauses, concern evident in his eyes and tone. ] Love, I know I don't exactly talk about my stuff, either, but I've at least had decades to sort of... sit with it all.
[ sort of, because as much as he's not talking about it and his very complicated feelings over his family and his death, at least he's not pretending it's all okay — well. no, alright, so he's trying to pretend it's all okay because it's easier that way, sometimes, but he does know he's got a lot of shit to sort through. he knows it upsets him, he knows it's not actually fine, any of it; his lack of talking about it has been mostly to avoid burdening anyone else with it all.
but junpei? he's not entirely sure if he's admitted any of that to himself, first of all: that it's not fine. that he can be angry over it, or upset, or sad — anything at all over the terrible emptiness in his voice as he listed his multitude of deaths.
but there has to be a way he can help, right? there has to. ]
[The plan now is to stay like this, a tangle of limbs and muddy emotions, and that's fine. That's cool, in Junpei's opinion, much better than the sight of Charles crying on the floor. It doesn't make Junpei want to talk any more eagerly, nothing really can; it's the fresh promise to Charles and really that alone that keeps him here instead of rolling away to pretend it all never happened.
He does still scoff, though, for "anniversary." Makes it sound like he has to remember the worst days of his life, and that's bullshit. It's bullshit that Charles has had to "sit with it," to carry his own shit around, and for a moment Junpei feels a spike of annoyance. Does Charles not have all those friends around? Do they really dismiss him the same way Akane does? What the fuck—]
What? If you— yeah, uh, absolutely. Yes. [Actually that's a huge relief, to give any of this some kind of direction and not just throw things out into the air and hope someone catches them.] I mean, the last time I told anyone... my whole deal was back then, and the bastard mastermind interrupted. And then I got nothing but oh Junpei, you've changed, you're soooo different now, boohoo—
[Ahem. Simply put,] It'd help if you asked stuff, yeah.
[ of course, he hardly sees anything wrong with what he's said — it isn't that he actively believes edwin would not, you know, listen to him, and more that edwin plays trauma olympics like a pro, and that's one game he will always, always win; so really, what do his issues matter, when compared to the enormity that is hell? and his death, even more so; edwin had been there, after all. he already knows everything relevant to know, why would he talk about it?
but that's not the point here, at all — they're not talking about him, the focus here is junpei and his experiences, which... oh, hm, apparently charles' emotions aren't quite stable, yet, because that — the response that he'd got, back then — makes him grit his teeth in a fresh wave of anger. ]
What the hell? You — I mean, not like I knew you before we met here, but... you said you were a PI, yeah? [ with a quiet sigh, no less angry but understanding, too, ] Being a detective fucking sucks, sometimes. A lot of the time, actually, unless you've got ways to get through the stuff you see and hear.
[ at least he's already dead; that gives you something against it all, as does the knowledge that he's also dealing with already dead people. for junpei, it must've been even worse, and for him to have received no sympathy for it at all —
he pulls junpei to him, then, squeezing him close for a moment as he takes a few deep breaths, give him a second — ]
Right, [ he says, pulling back, looking at junpei, the anger replaced by something soft and quiet. ] Right, I'll ask. But if you don't wanna answer, then just say pass, yeah? And I'll ask something else.
[Charles' anger flares in, Junpei thinks, the exact same way his own did seconds before, and so he doesn't bother to refute it. Could he, sure, he could make excuses for Akane until he's blue in the face - he'll think of a better metaphor, considering - but maybe, actually, part of him is satisfied to hear Charles get angry on his behalf. He curls into Charles squeezing him like that, cheek pressing against his shoulder, and he can't help but smile, if strained.
He'd rather Charles not have to feel any of this, but he won't lie, it's comforting that he cares enough to get this up in arms about even one vague thing.]
It does suck. Don't really have any good ways, I guess, [ahem,] but I make sandwiches now, so...
[So, step one: get the fuck out of the worst profession, complete! Maybe they'll come back to that. He slides a hand up to Charles' hair, idly pushing it back into place from how wild it's gotten.]
[ why wouldn't he be angry? he'd said it once, that he'd fight the whole damn world for junpei — and he would, of course he would. and that includes getting really mad when he's not treated with the kindness and respect that he should be.
and there's a host of thoughts flitting through his head, then — the lack of good ways, a quiet just how alone were you that he can't quite voice, the realisation that if, if they ever make it out of here with their memories intact, junpei's going to get pulled right back to detective work and that's a hypothetical and a problem for another day.
he tilts his head a little into the touch, an automatic movement, before he thinks for some more and finally says, ] This isn't really about, um, the bunker, but... how did you get through the PI thing?
[ so yeah, they're coming back to it right away, actually, now that it's been brought up; he can move on to the bunker next, he supposes. but this, too, is important. ]
[Oh fun, they're coming back to it immediately, that's lovely. Junpei can't help it, gaze sliding away to look at nothing somewhere else, fidgeting with some vague sense of shame for this next part. This is the thing he tried to tell Akane and Carlos, so it carries an extra layer of embarrassment to try and say it again now, despite how different the situation is.
Charles did say he could pass. But, no, he'll have to start somewhere. He almost tries to preface with a "don't judge me," but that's implied, surely.]
I drank a lot. All our jobs were the worst of the worst, you know? Couldn't have just gotten away with "prove my husband cheated," we were neck deep in shit like organ trading, murder... A lot of my coworkers were there one day and gone the next.
[It truly did suck, mild as that feels. He'd told Carlos and Akane he was probably going numb; it's likely still true.]
So, I drank a lot. Slept in the tub with the shower on... thought it would get rid of the smell of blood. It didn't, not really.
[ oh, and just that reaction alone tells him that it's not going to be anything good, just as much as it makes him want to say something, immediately — that junpei doesn't have to be embarrassed by whatever it is... because, really, it's easy to forget about it, but charles has pretty much seen it all, not to mention that he'd never, ever judge junpei for, hm, anything.
and so he listens — quiet and serious, watching junpei carefully, even as he's looking at somewhere else with an unfocused gaze... and it's probably a good thing, because charles is pretty sure his expression is betraying how badly his heart is breaking right now, how the dark, depressing reality of what must have been junpei's everyday life is splintering the shards that he's not quite put together after the whole fifteen-ways-of-dying spiel —
this time, the tears are quieter, not sobs but simply there, falling from the corners of his eyes as he closes them for a moment before he just pulls junpei closer into a hug, cradles him against his chest and just breathes. ]
I'm sorry, [ he says eventually, with a quiet desperation, ] I'm so sorry you had to go through that alone. It's not fair — what happened to all those people, what happened to your coworkers... so many people die who don't deserve it at all, and no one gives a shit. [ he pulls back enough to move his hand and press his palm against junpei's cheek, gently. ] I'm sorry you had to go through that, love, but don't — don't be embarrassed, yeah? You did what you could to get through what no one bloody should. And I'm glad you did make it through.
[The shame is still there even as Charles rallies against it, greasy and sick in his stomach, and Junpei does his level best to keep it down. He's pulled against Charles' chest before he can respond adequately to his crying again, and that's a different heavy feeling in itself; at this rate he's going to actually sink through the mattress and hit the floor.
But he can agree with the first sentiment, that everything sucks and no one cares when good people die, so,] I almost get it— the whole... crazy obsession with time travel. It sounds good, right? And then you think about it...
[And then it never stops, or those what ifs latch on and don't let go, and people start making worse and worse decisions about it. He reaches up to wipe a thumb over Charles' cheek once more.
I'm glad you did make it through, sweet words for a sweet idea, and Junpei still wonders—did he? He's not really okay, is he, how okay does he have to be to have made it through anything intact—]
I really love you, you know, [he says, because agreeing with the rest of what Charles says feels like lying; the shame is still there. Maybe eventually, but for now at least his gratitude is genuine. It's part shame and part desire to prove that he does take care of himself a little that makes him say,] I don't drink alone anymore, so...
Yeah, [ he says, because though he obviously can't say he has any experience with it, he can imagine — wouldn't it just become this itch in your soul, every little thing something that could maybe be changed... yeah, it'd be impossible to live like that, never truly in the moment, never accepting things as they are.
and really, he means made it through in quite a literal way — that he's here, right now, in whatever shape he is; it's better than not making it, ending up like his coworkers, or worse still, going to sleep and never waking up. making it through is this, him right here, as not-at-all-okay as he is. not the same as he was before it all, no, but here. ]
Love you too. [ it's softly said and fully meant, an automatic response as it is; and then he adds, softer still, ] And you sleep in a proper bed. [ so yeah, that's good, at least things are a little better, now.
but right — he tries to think of what else to ask, out of the many things he is still in the dark about. ] So... how'd you go from that to volunteering for the experiment?
Oh. Yeah, that too, [he says, like he doesn't get it for a second. He's been sleeping in a proper bed for months now, so—ohhhh, yeah. Yeah, no, it takes him a second to hear it. He doesn't want to think about the rest, the possibility of not being here anymore, to add more options to his list of fifteen.
He fidgets again, but this time it's to squirm in closer, tuck his head under Charles' chin and squeeze around his waist. Time to throw Akane under the bus, he supposes...]
I was looking for Akane. Well, I was looking for her the whole time, but after this case where we got involved taking down this fucked up religious cult base, her name came up...
[A beat.]
Not- she wasn't in the cult, she was just investigating them too. So that intel pointed me at the experiment, and I got myself in there. I didn't know the rest was going to happen.
[Would he have forced his way in there anyway if he had, for her sake? Yeah, of course, absolutely. Without hesitation. That's different.]
[ he just holds junpei to him as he squirms in closer, drops a kiss to the top of his head — and at least the shift in topic means he's not crying anymore, but rather staring at the wall with a puzzled frown. ]
Wait, [ he says, tilting his head a little so he can try to look at junpei, except he's mostly just looking at the top of his head, so — scratch that, then. ]
I thought she was, like, your friend, yeah? Why were you looking for her? Couldn't you just, I dunno, give her a call?
[ he's... quite genuinely asking this. because it's not adding up — he'd get looking for her as a pi if she was missing, but if all the time she'd been out there looking for a cult, then she clearly wasn't missing! ]
[That's—the funniest possible question Charles could ask, completely by accident, and Junpei does laugh, a startled half-laugh of a sound, shaking his head, effectively nuzzling in closer to Charles in the process. A bonus.]
What, Akane? No way. She ran off after the first time, no number, no contact, nothing. It was dumb luck that I found her at all, the way she covers her tracks.
[He slides his hands up to run through Charles' hair again, soothing, although whether that's more for Charles or himself is anyone's guess.]
We went to elementary school together. [uh, whatever that is in English, he doesn't know,] Then I didn't see her again until the first "game." And after that she disappeared, until I found her in that experiment.
[ right, so — clearly there's something more there, something that maybe explains how difficult it seemed for junpei to talk about her that first time they'd talked about all this.
slowly, he starts moving one hand up and down junpei's back, his other arm still tight around him. ]
So... let me get this right. You went to all that trouble, for someone who you hadn't seen in years and who ditched you after the first shitty game with no explanation?
[ sorry, but that sounds — like she didn't deserve any of his effort, actually, and this is coming from the guy who died for someone he wasn't even friends with. but there's a difference; because a good person doesn't just walk off without a word. a good person wouldn't let junpei go through all he did, just like that. ]
She better have apologised for making you go through all that just to find her.
Well, it sounds kind of pathetic when you say it like that... [Ha ha, his little joke? No, it really does make him wince, but that should be more than enough confirmation that it's true. She really just disappeared! She did all of that to him, killed two people, and just left! It makes him insane to think about, and it makes him even worse to have thought about it for a year between games.
So, there's that. He pauses then; Akane is important to him, even if she's done all these things. It's complicated—she's complicated, and so it's difficult to say these things that make her look... shitty.
But lying to Charles isn't an option, so,] She didn't want me there. She didn't even want to talk to me until the game forced her to.
It's not, [ he says immediately, sighing and pausing his hand against his back so he can just squeeze him closer again. ]
If she just up and disappeared like that... yeah, of course you wanted to find her. [ it fully makes sense to him, with what he knows of junpei, has come to know of him in the past months.
and once again, junpei's response makes charles pause, lift his head a little so he can just aim his flat look at the wall, swallow down his first instinct to say what he really thinks; because despite what he'd say is normal sense, junpei seems to care about akane, which means charles probably shouldn't say what he's thinking of — ]
What the hell, [ he says, which is not the worst he could be saying but definitely not the best either, so he mutters, ] Sorry. Just... doesn't sound fair to me.
[Oh yeah, he can feel the disapproval like it's coming off Charles in waves, and that's not unexpected. Akane's hard to deal with even when you care about her, he knows that very well. Too well, even, and Junpei has even twisted his perception of her into pretzels to reconcile with her worst habits before—so to be outside it all, looking in? He couldn't possibly expect Charles to sing her praises, or even... neutrally accept her, if he's being honest.
Because it's all or nothing with her, isn't it. Always has been. He half-laughs again, giving Charles another squeeze.]
No, I know, it's okay. I get it. I told her that... she didn't listen to that, either. She's got these big plans, right? You can't get in the way of her big plans, she'll just step right over you.
[Mmm... mmm. Hm.] She's seen the timelines, so... I don't know, she's stuck in all that stuff. She doesn't listen to anybody.
[ he's trying his best, he really is — he doesn't know the situation in full, doesn't know all the sides to the story, and he knows that's important; he'd make a pretty shit detective, otherwise.
and yet, it's hard to remain objective about this, when it'd be so easy to just blame one person for the terrible, horrible things that junpei has been through.
he sighs and buries his face in junpei's hair for a moment, and when he pulls back, it's to say, ]
I get why you said she'd hate being stuck here. [ and then, with another sigh, ] We can talk about something else. I'm not gonna stop being angry with her for what she's made you go through, but... well, doesn't matter much, does it? Doubt I'm ever gonna have the chance to tell that to her face, and if she didn't listen to you, then...
[ well, what good would he do? so yeah, maybe he'll just swallow his anger and frustration and cast about for another topic. ]
Yeah... I know. [He knows, he knows, he knows. He's considered blaming Akane for everything himself, more than once - but ultimately he can't, not for very long. Being angry with her is easy, but blame... well. It's complicated.
He sighs and shifts to lean on his elbow, so he can look Charles in the face properly.]
I wouldn't hate if you told her off, [if he's being entirely honest! It would be cathartic! It also wouldn't work, that much is correct, but still. For a few seconds, it would be cathartic.] You still want to ask stuff, or...?
[Or is he spent, is that too much upsetting Junpei lore than he needs in one sitting—]
[ this time it's his turn to huff out a half-laugh of sorts — well, another thing to keep in mind, then, for the hypothetical future. he's glad his futile anger hasn't upset junpei, nor made him not want to tell him more... well, or at least not made him want to tell him things even less than before. ]
Can you tell me about the bunker? I mean, what was all that about? Hell asshole two.
[ because he still remembers that... but junpei never really explained all that either, what exactly the second game had been about. and maybe it matters less, in the grand scheme of things, than the deaths and the bad coping methods, because those are junpei-specific and the bunker isn't... but it's the one significant piece of information missing from the chain of events he's put together from everything junpei's told him so far. ]
[Ah yes, Hell Asshole Two. He makes a face, shrugs his one free shoulder, makes a vague ennnh noise—]
I can try. [Give him a second. ...Okay,] So, that guy was from the religious cult, yeah? And he wanted to get all of us, the people who can shift, to learn all the necessary fun facts and shift ourselves into the timeline where we could find this supposed terrorist who was going to drop nukes on, you know, the whole planet.
[A beat, because he knows how it sounds, and it's going to get wackier before it gets less so,] In the other timelines, Asshole Two's cult are the ones who set off the bombs... to try and kill six billion people just to get that one guy, apparently. So... high stakes, I guess.
[Ridiculous. He sighs and flops back down from his elbow, letting his cheek smush into the mattress for a moment. How is this his life, Charles. How did these things really happen.] And I can't believe I'm getting to this third, but he also had to make sure he was, like, born. His parents were in there with us, just... pre-parenthood.
[ well, at least he's not asking more questions about his depressive habits, that's something... no, but he listens with a slight frown, following the story just fine until it gets to the other timelines, and then he's just muttering, ] What.
[ and then the last thing makes him open his mouth, close it again, and then just say even more empathically, ] What.
[ that's exactly the kind of crazy time-travel thing he'd expect from, you know, bad movies or something, and the fact that it's junpei's life... with a sigh, he turns onto his back, and uses the arm still wrapped around junpei to tug at him, to try and signal for him to just settle his head on his chest instead. ]
That's crazy, and I've seen a crow turned human try and feed us to this giant mushroom thing because the witch whose familiar he was got pissed at us.
[ so he's a self-proclaimed expert at crazy shit, and that... definitely fits the bill. ] So, what happened? Did you stop the bombs?
What? Man, I wish I could meet human crows instead of cultist freaks. Now that's unfair.
[It'd almost be funny, if not for the big snake from weeks ago, and how there's got to be a much more unsettling backstory to Charles' mushroom-feeding summary. Still, witches would be, hm, easier than six billion people dying.
Junpei pushes himself up to flop in the other direction, onto Charles, bracing an arm on his chest now to look down at him. He raises an eyebrow. Darling, dearest. Guess.]
But I don't know, I showed up here too quickly... so if that guy's even real, he's still out there somewhere. And you know the other timelines are still real, so...
[So actually! It's dire! It's the kind of dire that excuses Akane's actions, in the back of Junpei's mind, even if for Charles' sake he's not going to bring her up again. If there is a Golden Timeline, maybe someone should try to find it, right? But he doesn't want to do that.]
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How many things were on his list, ten? Fifteen? All of them hang heavy around his neck, and thinking about being back there fills him with a sick dread, all of it objectively terrible, but... Put away in the box, still. Tucked away so deeply, so thoroughly that he's suddenly not sure his, uh... brain works? It's the same as the feeling he had the first time, and mm, he ignored it then, too.
Well. Right now, Charles is the focal point, his emotional jumper cables, and it rips his heart out to see him like this. He cups Charles' face in one hand when he pulls back, presses a thumb against his cheek and smears a tear away. If he was annoyed by the questioning earlier, it's gone now, slate wiped clean by the actually important thing: making sure Charles is okay.
Or, wait, and,] I— yeah. I know. I guess I... [He shrugs one shoulder, searching for the right thing to say,] It got... weird in there, you know? Nobody seemed to care that much about the dying thing, and then it was straight here as soon as we got out, so...
[So maybe they'd have acted normal about it if they'd come along, or if he hadn't come here, and he's putting Akane specifically in the box of things he doesn't think about, because it wasn't the first time. He tugs Charles back in close, pressing a kiss to his forehead.]
But I am sorry for saying, uh, fuckall. Not getting the whole story's a real pain in the ass, I get that. I guess I was still thinking like six-months-ago me, when you were just the cute guy from the network. Sorry.
[Now that they've both collapsed, as predicted, gently,] You want to come back up on the bed with me now?
no subject
he tilts his head to press against junpei's hand, sniffles a few times, lifts his own hand to wipe the remaining tears with the back of his hand. this isn't a guarantee he won't break down again over this, but at least for now he's more composed, even if his breaths are still hitching a little, like there's little hooks in each of them, catching at his throat. ]
It's okay, [ he says softly, with immediate forgiveness. ] Just, we promised to carry each other's burdens, didn't we? But I can't do that if you don't talk to me. [ gently, to show that he doesn't mean it as admonishment, doesn't hold it against junpei at all when he knows he himself is just as bad at actually talking about his issues, he slides his hands around him again and pulls junpei to him, tucks his face in the crook of his neck for a moment to simply hold him close.
and then, pulling back, ] ... Yeah. Yeah, the bed sounds aces.
no subject
They've promised a handful of things, and it's true that neither of them have managed this particular one perfectly well, but - hmm.]
One thing at a time, [is what he comes up with, turning his head to press another kiss to Charles, his temple or his cheek or literally anywhere, anywhere is good,] We can... re-promise, yeah? Starting now.
[Now, of course, to loop Charles' remaining secrets into this circle of forgiveness. Of course there are things Junpei doesn't know, still - the fucking snake thing, Charles going off for those days by himself - but it's fine now. Promise renewed. Easy.
Still. Starting now... Then,] You know how I was counting days 'til my birthday? It was January first when we got out of that hellhole bunker. The new year turned over in the middle of, you know, everything... And now it's generic winter holiday season here, so...
[So he's been quieter, is the rest of that. No matter how hard he pretends it happened to someone else, it's still there. He squeezes his arm tighter around Charles, a physical reminder that Charles is still there, too.]
Well, that's... another thing, I guess.
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the kiss junpei presses against his cheek makes him smile, a little tremulous but real, and he turns his head, too, to press their foreheads together for just a moment, like a punctuation mark on the promise. ] Yeah, [ he says, quiet and honest and all too aware that he's not exactly done his part of their previous promise, either, ] Starting now.
[ echoing the words, there, an i promise without saying as much — and maybe this time, they'll actually do better. junpei certainly is trying, speaking quietly about the time of year, and yeah, that explains his quietness, then. and charles gets it — of course he gets it, he'd done the exact same thing a month or so ago. ]
I get it. Hard not to think about stuff when it's the anniversary, yeah? [ he sighs, and now it's his turn to lean slightly closer, to press a light kiss to wherever he can reach without jostling the way they're holding each other too much. ]
But that's the difference, innit? It's been — half a year or so, then. And if you haven't talked about it more than this... [ he pauses, concern evident in his eyes and tone. ] Love, I know I don't exactly talk about my stuff, either, but I've at least had decades to sort of... sit with it all.
[ sort of, because as much as he's not talking about it and his very complicated feelings over his family and his death, at least he's not pretending it's all okay — well. no, alright, so he's trying to pretend it's all okay because it's easier that way, sometimes, but he does know he's got a lot of shit to sort through. he knows it upsets him, he knows it's not actually fine, any of it; his lack of talking about it has been mostly to avoid burdening anyone else with it all.
but junpei? he's not entirely sure if he's admitted any of that to himself, first of all: that it's not fine. that he can be angry over it, or upset, or sad — anything at all over the terrible emptiness in his voice as he listed his multitude of deaths.
but there has to be a way he can help, right? there has to. ]
Is it easier if I... I dunno, ask stuff?
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He does still scoff, though, for "anniversary." Makes it sound like he has to remember the worst days of his life, and that's bullshit. It's bullshit that Charles has had to "sit with it," to carry his own shit around, and for a moment Junpei feels a spike of annoyance. Does Charles not have all those friends around? Do they really dismiss him the same way Akane does? What the fuck—]
What? If you— yeah, uh, absolutely. Yes. [Actually that's a huge relief, to give any of this some kind of direction and not just throw things out into the air and hope someone catches them.] I mean, the last time I told anyone... my whole deal was back then, and the bastard mastermind interrupted. And then I got nothing but oh Junpei, you've changed, you're soooo different now, boohoo—
[Ahem. Simply put,] It'd help if you asked stuff, yeah.
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but that's not the point here, at all — they're not talking about him, the focus here is junpei and his experiences, which... oh, hm, apparently charles' emotions aren't quite stable, yet, because that — the response that he'd got, back then — makes him grit his teeth in a fresh wave of anger. ]
What the hell? You — I mean, not like I knew you before we met here, but... you said you were a PI, yeah? [ with a quiet sigh, no less angry but understanding, too, ] Being a detective fucking sucks, sometimes. A lot of the time, actually, unless you've got ways to get through the stuff you see and hear.
[ at least he's already dead; that gives you something against it all, as does the knowledge that he's also dealing with already dead people. for junpei, it must've been even worse, and for him to have received no sympathy for it at all —
he pulls junpei to him, then, squeezing him close for a moment as he takes a few deep breaths, give him a second — ]
Right, [ he says, pulling back, looking at junpei, the anger replaced by something soft and quiet. ] Right, I'll ask. But if you don't wanna answer, then just say pass, yeah? And I'll ask something else.
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He'd rather Charles not have to feel any of this, but he won't lie, it's comforting that he cares enough to get this up in arms about even one vague thing.]
It does suck. Don't really have any good ways, I guess, [ahem,] but I make sandwiches now, so...
[So, step one: get the fuck out of the worst profession, complete! Maybe they'll come back to that. He slides a hand up to Charles' hair, idly pushing it back into place from how wild it's gotten.]
Sure. Go for it.
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and there's a host of thoughts flitting through his head, then — the lack of good ways, a quiet just how alone were you that he can't quite voice, the realisation that if, if they ever make it out of here with their memories intact, junpei's going to get pulled right back to detective work and that's a hypothetical and a problem for another day.
he tilts his head a little into the touch, an automatic movement, before he thinks for some more and finally says, ] This isn't really about, um, the bunker, but... how did you get through the PI thing?
[ so yeah, they're coming back to it right away, actually, now that it's been brought up; he can move on to the bunker next, he supposes. but this, too, is important. ]
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Charles did say he could pass. But, no, he'll have to start somewhere. He almost tries to preface with a "don't judge me," but that's implied, surely.]
I drank a lot. All our jobs were the worst of the worst, you know? Couldn't have just gotten away with "prove my husband cheated," we were neck deep in shit like organ trading, murder... A lot of my coworkers were there one day and gone the next.
[It truly did suck, mild as that feels. He'd told Carlos and Akane he was probably going numb; it's likely still true.]
So, I drank a lot. Slept in the tub with the shower on... thought it would get rid of the smell of blood. It didn't, not really.
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and so he listens — quiet and serious, watching junpei carefully, even as he's looking at somewhere else with an unfocused gaze... and it's probably a good thing, because charles is pretty sure his expression is betraying how badly his heart is breaking right now, how the dark, depressing reality of what must have been junpei's everyday life is splintering the shards that he's not quite put together after the whole fifteen-ways-of-dying spiel —
this time, the tears are quieter, not sobs but simply there, falling from the corners of his eyes as he closes them for a moment before he just pulls junpei closer into a hug, cradles him against his chest and just breathes. ]
I'm sorry, [ he says eventually, with a quiet desperation, ] I'm so sorry you had to go through that alone. It's not fair — what happened to all those people, what happened to your coworkers... so many people die who don't deserve it at all, and no one gives a shit. [ he pulls back enough to move his hand and press his palm against junpei's cheek, gently. ] I'm sorry you had to go through that, love, but don't — don't be embarrassed, yeah? You did what you could to get through what no one bloody should. And I'm glad you did make it through.
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But he can agree with the first sentiment, that everything sucks and no one cares when good people die, so,] I almost get it— the whole... crazy obsession with time travel. It sounds good, right? And then you think about it...
[And then it never stops, or those what ifs latch on and don't let go, and people start making worse and worse decisions about it. He reaches up to wipe a thumb over Charles' cheek once more.
I'm glad you did make it through, sweet words for a sweet idea, and Junpei still wonders—did he? He's not really okay, is he, how okay does he have to be to have made it through anything intact—]
I really love you, you know, [he says, because agreeing with the rest of what Charles says feels like lying; the shame is still there. Maybe eventually, but for now at least his gratitude is genuine. It's part shame and part desire to prove that he does take care of himself a little that makes him say,] I don't drink alone anymore, so...
Well, yeah. Ask another?
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and really, he means made it through in quite a literal way — that he's here, right now, in whatever shape he is; it's better than not making it, ending up like his coworkers, or worse still, going to sleep and never waking up. making it through is this, him right here, as not-at-all-okay as he is. not the same as he was before it all, no, but here. ]
Love you too. [ it's softly said and fully meant, an automatic response as it is; and then he adds, softer still, ] And you sleep in a proper bed. [ so yeah, that's good, at least things are a little better, now.
but right — he tries to think of what else to ask, out of the many things he is still in the dark about. ] So... how'd you go from that to volunteering for the experiment?
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He fidgets again, but this time it's to squirm in closer, tuck his head under Charles' chin and squeeze around his waist. Time to throw Akane under the bus, he supposes...]
I was looking for Akane. Well, I was looking for her the whole time, but after this case where we got involved taking down this fucked up religious cult base, her name came up...
[A beat.]
Not- she wasn't in the cult, she was just investigating them too. So that intel pointed me at the experiment, and I got myself in there. I didn't know the rest was going to happen.
[Would he have forced his way in there anyway if he had, for her sake? Yeah, of course, absolutely. Without hesitation. That's different.]
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Wait, [ he says, tilting his head a little so he can try to look at junpei, except he's mostly just looking at the top of his head, so — scratch that, then. ]
I thought she was, like, your friend, yeah? Why were you looking for her? Couldn't you just, I dunno, give her a call?
[ he's... quite genuinely asking this. because it's not adding up — he'd get looking for her as a pi if she was missing, but if all the time she'd been out there looking for a cult, then she clearly wasn't missing! ]
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What, Akane? No way. She ran off after the first time, no number, no contact, nothing. It was dumb luck that I found her at all, the way she covers her tracks.
[He slides his hands up to run through Charles' hair again, soothing, although whether that's more for Charles or himself is anyone's guess.]
We went to elementary school together. [uh, whatever that is in English, he doesn't know,] Then I didn't see her again until the first "game." And after that she disappeared, until I found her in that experiment.
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slowly, he starts moving one hand up and down junpei's back, his other arm still tight around him. ]
So... let me get this right. You went to all that trouble, for someone who you hadn't seen in years and who ditched you after the first shitty game with no explanation?
[ sorry, but that sounds — like she didn't deserve any of his effort, actually, and this is coming from the guy who died for someone he wasn't even friends with. but there's a difference; because a good person doesn't just walk off without a word. a good person wouldn't let junpei go through all he did, just like that. ]
She better have apologised for making you go through all that just to find her.
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So, there's that. He pauses then; Akane is important to him, even if she's done all these things. It's complicated—she's complicated, and so it's difficult to say these things that make her look... shitty.
But lying to Charles isn't an option, so,] She didn't want me there. She didn't even want to talk to me until the game forced her to.
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If she just up and disappeared like that... yeah, of course you wanted to find her. [ it fully makes sense to him, with what he knows of junpei, has come to know of him in the past months.
and once again, junpei's response makes charles pause, lift his head a little so he can just aim his flat look at the wall, swallow down his first instinct to say what he really thinks; because despite what he'd say is normal sense, junpei seems to care about akane, which means charles probably shouldn't say what he's thinking of — ]
What the hell, [ he says, which is not the worst he could be saying but definitely not the best either, so he mutters, ] Sorry. Just... doesn't sound fair to me.
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Because it's all or nothing with her, isn't it. Always has been. He half-laughs again, giving Charles another squeeze.]
No, I know, it's okay. I get it. I told her that... she didn't listen to that, either. She's got these big plans, right? You can't get in the way of her big plans, she'll just step right over you.
[Mmm... mmm. Hm.] She's seen the timelines, so... I don't know, she's stuck in all that stuff. She doesn't listen to anybody.
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and yet, it's hard to remain objective about this, when it'd be so easy to just blame one person for the terrible, horrible things that junpei has been through.
he sighs and buries his face in junpei's hair for a moment, and when he pulls back, it's to say, ]
I get why you said she'd hate being stuck here. [ and then, with another sigh, ] We can talk about something else. I'm not gonna stop being angry with her for what she's made you go through, but... well, doesn't matter much, does it? Doubt I'm ever gonna have the chance to tell that to her face, and if she didn't listen to you, then...
[ well, what good would he do? so yeah, maybe he'll just swallow his anger and frustration and cast about for another topic. ]
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He sighs and shifts to lean on his elbow, so he can look Charles in the face properly.]
I wouldn't hate if you told her off, [if he's being entirely honest! It would be cathartic! It also wouldn't work, that much is correct, but still. For a few seconds, it would be cathartic.] You still want to ask stuff, or...?
[Or is he spent, is that too much upsetting Junpei lore than he needs in one sitting—]
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Can you tell me about the bunker? I mean, what was all that about? Hell asshole two.
[ because he still remembers that... but junpei never really explained all that either, what exactly the second game had been about. and maybe it matters less, in the grand scheme of things, than the deaths and the bad coping methods, because those are junpei-specific and the bunker isn't... but it's the one significant piece of information missing from the chain of events he's put together from everything junpei's told him so far. ]
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I can try. [Give him a second. ...Okay,] So, that guy was from the religious cult, yeah? And he wanted to get all of us, the people who can shift, to learn all the necessary fun facts and shift ourselves into the timeline where we could find this supposed terrorist who was going to drop nukes on, you know, the whole planet.
[A beat, because he knows how it sounds, and it's going to get wackier before it gets less so,] In the other timelines, Asshole Two's cult are the ones who set off the bombs... to try and kill six billion people just to get that one guy, apparently. So... high stakes, I guess.
[Ridiculous. He sighs and flops back down from his elbow, letting his cheek smush into the mattress for a moment. How is this his life, Charles. How did these things really happen.] And I can't believe I'm getting to this third, but he also had to make sure he was, like, born. His parents were in there with us, just... pre-parenthood.
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[ and then the last thing makes him open his mouth, close it again, and then just say even more empathically, ] What.
[ that's exactly the kind of crazy time-travel thing he'd expect from, you know, bad movies or something, and the fact that it's junpei's life... with a sigh, he turns onto his back, and uses the arm still wrapped around junpei to tug at him, to try and signal for him to just settle his head on his chest instead. ]
That's crazy, and I've seen a crow turned human try and feed us to this giant mushroom thing because the witch whose familiar he was got pissed at us.
[ so he's a self-proclaimed expert at crazy shit, and that... definitely fits the bill. ] So, what happened? Did you stop the bombs?
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[It'd almost be funny, if not for the big snake from weeks ago, and how there's got to be a much more unsettling backstory to Charles' mushroom-feeding summary. Still, witches would be, hm, easier than six billion people dying.
Junpei pushes himself up to flop in the other direction, onto Charles, bracing an arm on his chest now to look down at him. He raises an eyebrow. Darling, dearest. Guess.]
But I don't know, I showed up here too quickly... so if that guy's even real, he's still out there somewhere. And you know the other timelines are still real, so...
[So actually! It's dire! It's the kind of dire that excuses Akane's actions, in the back of Junpei's mind, even if for Charles' sake he's not going to bring her up again. If there is a Golden Timeline, maybe someone should try to find it, right? But he doesn't want to do that.]
I give it a strong maybe eventually.
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