[ oh, and just that reaction alone tells him that it's not going to be anything good, just as much as it makes him want to say something, immediately — that junpei doesn't have to be embarrassed by whatever it is... because, really, it's easy to forget about it, but charles has pretty much seen it all, not to mention that he'd never, ever judge junpei for, hm, anything.
and so he listens — quiet and serious, watching junpei carefully, even as he's looking at somewhere else with an unfocused gaze... and it's probably a good thing, because charles is pretty sure his expression is betraying how badly his heart is breaking right now, how the dark, depressing reality of what must have been junpei's everyday life is splintering the shards that he's not quite put together after the whole fifteen-ways-of-dying spiel —
this time, the tears are quieter, not sobs but simply there, falling from the corners of his eyes as he closes them for a moment before he just pulls junpei closer into a hug, cradles him against his chest and just breathes. ]
I'm sorry, [ he says eventually, with a quiet desperation, ] I'm so sorry you had to go through that alone. It's not fair — what happened to all those people, what happened to your coworkers... so many people die who don't deserve it at all, and no one gives a shit. [ he pulls back enough to move his hand and press his palm against junpei's cheek, gently. ] I'm sorry you had to go through that, love, but don't — don't be embarrassed, yeah? You did what you could to get through what no one bloody should. And I'm glad you did make it through.
[The shame is still there even as Charles rallies against it, greasy and sick in his stomach, and Junpei does his level best to keep it down. He's pulled against Charles' chest before he can respond adequately to his crying again, and that's a different heavy feeling in itself; at this rate he's going to actually sink through the mattress and hit the floor.
But he can agree with the first sentiment, that everything sucks and no one cares when good people die, so,] I almost get it— the whole... crazy obsession with time travel. It sounds good, right? And then you think about it...
[And then it never stops, or those what ifs latch on and don't let go, and people start making worse and worse decisions about it. He reaches up to wipe a thumb over Charles' cheek once more.
I'm glad you did make it through, sweet words for a sweet idea, and Junpei still wonders—did he? He's not really okay, is he, how okay does he have to be to have made it through anything intact—]
I really love you, you know, [he says, because agreeing with the rest of what Charles says feels like lying; the shame is still there. Maybe eventually, but for now at least his gratitude is genuine. It's part shame and part desire to prove that he does take care of himself a little that makes him say,] I don't drink alone anymore, so...
Yeah, [ he says, because though he obviously can't say he has any experience with it, he can imagine — wouldn't it just become this itch in your soul, every little thing something that could maybe be changed... yeah, it'd be impossible to live like that, never truly in the moment, never accepting things as they are.
and really, he means made it through in quite a literal way — that he's here, right now, in whatever shape he is; it's better than not making it, ending up like his coworkers, or worse still, going to sleep and never waking up. making it through is this, him right here, as not-at-all-okay as he is. not the same as he was before it all, no, but here. ]
Love you too. [ it's softly said and fully meant, an automatic response as it is; and then he adds, softer still, ] And you sleep in a proper bed. [ so yeah, that's good, at least things are a little better, now.
but right — he tries to think of what else to ask, out of the many things he is still in the dark about. ] So... how'd you go from that to volunteering for the experiment?
Oh. Yeah, that too, [he says, like he doesn't get it for a second. He's been sleeping in a proper bed for months now, so—ohhhh, yeah. Yeah, no, it takes him a second to hear it. He doesn't want to think about the rest, the possibility of not being here anymore, to add more options to his list of fifteen.
He fidgets again, but this time it's to squirm in closer, tuck his head under Charles' chin and squeeze around his waist. Time to throw Akane under the bus, he supposes...]
I was looking for Akane. Well, I was looking for her the whole time, but after this case where we got involved taking down this fucked up religious cult base, her name came up...
[A beat.]
Not- she wasn't in the cult, she was just investigating them too. So that intel pointed me at the experiment, and I got myself in there. I didn't know the rest was going to happen.
[Would he have forced his way in there anyway if he had, for her sake? Yeah, of course, absolutely. Without hesitation. That's different.]
[ he just holds junpei to him as he squirms in closer, drops a kiss to the top of his head — and at least the shift in topic means he's not crying anymore, but rather staring at the wall with a puzzled frown. ]
Wait, [ he says, tilting his head a little so he can try to look at junpei, except he's mostly just looking at the top of his head, so — scratch that, then. ]
I thought she was, like, your friend, yeah? Why were you looking for her? Couldn't you just, I dunno, give her a call?
[ he's... quite genuinely asking this. because it's not adding up — he'd get looking for her as a pi if she was missing, but if all the time she'd been out there looking for a cult, then she clearly wasn't missing! ]
[That's—the funniest possible question Charles could ask, completely by accident, and Junpei does laugh, a startled half-laugh of a sound, shaking his head, effectively nuzzling in closer to Charles in the process. A bonus.]
What, Akane? No way. She ran off after the first time, no number, no contact, nothing. It was dumb luck that I found her at all, the way she covers her tracks.
[He slides his hands up to run through Charles' hair again, soothing, although whether that's more for Charles or himself is anyone's guess.]
We went to elementary school together. [uh, whatever that is in English, he doesn't know,] Then I didn't see her again until the first "game." And after that she disappeared, until I found her in that experiment.
[ right, so — clearly there's something more there, something that maybe explains how difficult it seemed for junpei to talk about her that first time they'd talked about all this.
slowly, he starts moving one hand up and down junpei's back, his other arm still tight around him. ]
So... let me get this right. You went to all that trouble, for someone who you hadn't seen in years and who ditched you after the first shitty game with no explanation?
[ sorry, but that sounds — like she didn't deserve any of his effort, actually, and this is coming from the guy who died for someone he wasn't even friends with. but there's a difference; because a good person doesn't just walk off without a word. a good person wouldn't let junpei go through all he did, just like that. ]
She better have apologised for making you go through all that just to find her.
Well, it sounds kind of pathetic when you say it like that... [Ha ha, his little joke? No, it really does make him wince, but that should be more than enough confirmation that it's true. She really just disappeared! She did all of that to him, killed two people, and just left! It makes him insane to think about, and it makes him even worse to have thought about it for a year between games.
So, there's that. He pauses then; Akane is important to him, even if she's done all these things. It's complicated—she's complicated, and so it's difficult to say these things that make her look... shitty.
But lying to Charles isn't an option, so,] She didn't want me there. She didn't even want to talk to me until the game forced her to.
It's not, [ he says immediately, sighing and pausing his hand against his back so he can just squeeze him closer again. ]
If she just up and disappeared like that... yeah, of course you wanted to find her. [ it fully makes sense to him, with what he knows of junpei, has come to know of him in the past months.
and once again, junpei's response makes charles pause, lift his head a little so he can just aim his flat look at the wall, swallow down his first instinct to say what he really thinks; because despite what he'd say is normal sense, junpei seems to care about akane, which means charles probably shouldn't say what he's thinking of — ]
What the hell, [ he says, which is not the worst he could be saying but definitely not the best either, so he mutters, ] Sorry. Just... doesn't sound fair to me.
[Oh yeah, he can feel the disapproval like it's coming off Charles in waves, and that's not unexpected. Akane's hard to deal with even when you care about her, he knows that very well. Too well, even, and Junpei has even twisted his perception of her into pretzels to reconcile with her worst habits before—so to be outside it all, looking in? He couldn't possibly expect Charles to sing her praises, or even... neutrally accept her, if he's being honest.
Because it's all or nothing with her, isn't it. Always has been. He half-laughs again, giving Charles another squeeze.]
No, I know, it's okay. I get it. I told her that... she didn't listen to that, either. She's got these big plans, right? You can't get in the way of her big plans, she'll just step right over you.
[Mmm... mmm. Hm.] She's seen the timelines, so... I don't know, she's stuck in all that stuff. She doesn't listen to anybody.
[ he's trying his best, he really is — he doesn't know the situation in full, doesn't know all the sides to the story, and he knows that's important; he'd make a pretty shit detective, otherwise.
and yet, it's hard to remain objective about this, when it'd be so easy to just blame one person for the terrible, horrible things that junpei has been through.
he sighs and buries his face in junpei's hair for a moment, and when he pulls back, it's to say, ]
I get why you said she'd hate being stuck here. [ and then, with another sigh, ] We can talk about something else. I'm not gonna stop being angry with her for what she's made you go through, but... well, doesn't matter much, does it? Doubt I'm ever gonna have the chance to tell that to her face, and if she didn't listen to you, then...
[ well, what good would he do? so yeah, maybe he'll just swallow his anger and frustration and cast about for another topic. ]
Yeah... I know. [He knows, he knows, he knows. He's considered blaming Akane for everything himself, more than once - but ultimately he can't, not for very long. Being angry with her is easy, but blame... well. It's complicated.
He sighs and shifts to lean on his elbow, so he can look Charles in the face properly.]
I wouldn't hate if you told her off, [if he's being entirely honest! It would be cathartic! It also wouldn't work, that much is correct, but still. For a few seconds, it would be cathartic.] You still want to ask stuff, or...?
[Or is he spent, is that too much upsetting Junpei lore than he needs in one sitting—]
[ this time it's his turn to huff out a half-laugh of sorts — well, another thing to keep in mind, then, for the hypothetical future. he's glad his futile anger hasn't upset junpei, nor made him not want to tell him more... well, or at least not made him want to tell him things even less than before. ]
Can you tell me about the bunker? I mean, what was all that about? Hell asshole two.
[ because he still remembers that... but junpei never really explained all that either, what exactly the second game had been about. and maybe it matters less, in the grand scheme of things, than the deaths and the bad coping methods, because those are junpei-specific and the bunker isn't... but it's the one significant piece of information missing from the chain of events he's put together from everything junpei's told him so far. ]
[Ah yes, Hell Asshole Two. He makes a face, shrugs his one free shoulder, makes a vague ennnh noise—]
I can try. [Give him a second. ...Okay,] So, that guy was from the religious cult, yeah? And he wanted to get all of us, the people who can shift, to learn all the necessary fun facts and shift ourselves into the timeline where we could find this supposed terrorist who was going to drop nukes on, you know, the whole planet.
[A beat, because he knows how it sounds, and it's going to get wackier before it gets less so,] In the other timelines, Asshole Two's cult are the ones who set off the bombs... to try and kill six billion people just to get that one guy, apparently. So... high stakes, I guess.
[Ridiculous. He sighs and flops back down from his elbow, letting his cheek smush into the mattress for a moment. How is this his life, Charles. How did these things really happen.] And I can't believe I'm getting to this third, but he also had to make sure he was, like, born. His parents were in there with us, just... pre-parenthood.
[ well, at least he's not asking more questions about his depressive habits, that's something... no, but he listens with a slight frown, following the story just fine until it gets to the other timelines, and then he's just muttering, ] What.
[ and then the last thing makes him open his mouth, close it again, and then just say even more empathically, ] What.
[ that's exactly the kind of crazy time-travel thing he'd expect from, you know, bad movies or something, and the fact that it's junpei's life... with a sigh, he turns onto his back, and uses the arm still wrapped around junpei to tug at him, to try and signal for him to just settle his head on his chest instead. ]
That's crazy, and I've seen a crow turned human try and feed us to this giant mushroom thing because the witch whose familiar he was got pissed at us.
[ so he's a self-proclaimed expert at crazy shit, and that... definitely fits the bill. ] So, what happened? Did you stop the bombs?
What? Man, I wish I could meet human crows instead of cultist freaks. Now that's unfair.
[It'd almost be funny, if not for the big snake from weeks ago, and how there's got to be a much more unsettling backstory to Charles' mushroom-feeding summary. Still, witches would be, hm, easier than six billion people dying.
Junpei pushes himself up to flop in the other direction, onto Charles, bracing an arm on his chest now to look down at him. He raises an eyebrow. Darling, dearest. Guess.]
But I don't know, I showed up here too quickly... so if that guy's even real, he's still out there somewhere. And you know the other timelines are still real, so...
[So actually! It's dire! It's the kind of dire that excuses Akane's actions, in the back of Junpei's mind, even if for Charles' sake he's not going to bring her up again. If there is a Golden Timeline, maybe someone should try to find it, right? But he doesn't want to do that.]
You don't want to meet Monty, [ he says, lips pursed and looking just a tad bit petulant, actually, ] He likes astrology. [ but because he's got to be fair, he huffs and adds, ] I mean, he did save my ass eventually, back in crow form, so... I guess he's fine.
[ and then he's forgetting all about monty, because junpei is fixing him with a look, and he promptly loses all ability to worry about anything else except him, and the way the eventual answer makes him frown. ]
So... [ so if he's no longer shifting, then he won't know what happens to the other timelines, right? yeah, he's definitely seeing how the time travel actually really sucks. ]
Hey, [ he says instead, lifting his hand and cupping junpei's cheek. ] Those other timelines... they're not your responsibility. I know you know that, but just — making sure, yeah?
[Astrology, oh no... Well, that gets Junpei to laugh, if quietly. Okay, okay, Monty gets a tentative pass, he supposes?] Should I be asking all the crows I see if they're really some guy, just in case?
[No, he won't do this, it's fine. He tilts into Charles' touch, closing his eyes with another sigh. It's another objective fact, right, that he's not responsible for all those other timelines - well, not according to fucking Aldrip, but never mind that now - and this one he mostly believes, if only because thinking about it makes him want to rip out his own brain stem. This is the train of thought that turned Akane into the person she is, isn't it? It's not a good one.
So,] Yeah, I know. I told you this is the timeline we get, remember? I'm not going back on that.
[ the little quip makes all this feel just a bit lighter, despite everything — and charles smiles at him, brushes his thumb against his cheek as junpei leans against his hand. ] Nah, the crows don't talk. Only cats do.
[ but enough about that... there's a moment he feels yet another wave of overwhelming sadness for junpei and the way he may know this, the timelines not being something he should deal with... and yet he's still forced to know of them, know that he could try, but has to choose not to do it.
instead of crying about it this time, though, charles moves his hand to the back of junpei's neck, pulls him down enough so he can lift his head to give him a gentle kiss. ]
Good. And any time you need a reminder, well... I'm here.
The— okay, sure. [Sure, why not, that's hardly the weirdest thing that's even been said in the past five minutes. Why doesn't he get to talk to cats...
Unimportant; important is Charles and his unwavering support, the way he says he'll always be there and Junpei believes it, because he has been. Leaning down to kiss him feels like a punctuation mark on that, tying it off with a silent acknowledgement, yes, he knows, and he's lucky for it.
He lingers close, hovering there, brow knit. The sick and greasy thing that lives in his stomach twists into another impossible knot, darkens his thoughts in a bid to not be mentioned, no matter how many insane things he's already said that Charles has accepted, surely, surely... He hasn't asked anything else, so therefore, Junpei is off the hook, he doesn't have to say anything else, and that's going back on his word already, huh.]
I don't know how to say any of this without blowing it off, [he says, so, fair warning if he somehow turns this into a "yippee, life sucks!" moment again, in advance,] But I think I... hang on.
[Hold on, one moment please. Hmnh.] All of that shit, I think it fucked me up real bad? I mean, I should at least cry about it, right? What the hell is wrong with me?
[ he doesn't get to talk to cats because he's not dead, key thing there —
anyway, yes, definitely unimportant in the grand scheme of things, and even more specifically in the context of this conversation; and it's not a conversation that's over, either, because despite charles' lack of a follow-up question, junpei continues to speak, prefacing his words with a quiet warning and charles braces himself, then... a good thing, too, because the bluntness of it, when junpei finally manages to wrench the words out, well — it stabs right at the center of him in a completely different way than the craziness of everything he's just learned did.
because this is about junpei himself, again, and charles wants nothing more than for him to be okay — and he knows that that's just not the way things are, would have known it even without junpei spelling it out like this, and can his heart break for the third time in, what, an hour? it's certainly making its best effort to do just that.
gently, he lifts his hand, runs it through junpei's hair. ]
There's nothing wrong with you, sweetheart. I mean — [ a breath, then, because he needs to rephrase this, ] There is, but that's what's not wrong, yeah? What you've been through would've fucked anyone up. What would be wrong would be... expecting you to just be fine after all of that.
[ with a sad, small smile that's the barest twist of his lips, ] I've seen this a couple of times, over the years. When stuff just gets so much that you — I don't know, lock it away, I guess? When feeling anything about it hurts so much it's easier to not feel anything.
[ he sighs, because those have been — well, cases he'd much prefer not to remember, and to think junpei's feeling that exact same thing, now... but no, he can hold himself together. he can't afford anything else, right now. ] So my best guess is that's what you're doing.
There's nothing wrong with me because there is something wrong with me? Huh. [Wry and a little teasing, despite himself; it's phrased awkwardly indeed, but it's from Charles, and so it carries more weight to Junpei than anything anyone else might have offered. He likes to think he isn't so far gone that he can't stop to make quips, so: quips.
Then he settles in to let Charles' words wash over him, scooting down to rest his head on Charles' chest properly now, taking hold of Charles' hand in his hair to thread their fingers together.
Locking it away, not feeling anything— he'd said that to Carlos and Akane, about probably going numb, and then? The Decision Game had forced him to feel everything all at once in the longest adrenaline rush of all time, so much that suddenly arriving in Aldrip and having nothing to do but get a normal, boring job and hang around seemed, at first, to be—healing. He wonders now if it's been little more than an emotional rest stop, just waiting for him to get back to the total breakdown that's probably inevitable.
He says,] Well, I should kick my ass for that, because it sucks.
[It's all he's got; saying it at all took this long, and he only doesn't shove away from it entirely again because Charles doesn't shove away from it. Junpei squeezes his hand in silent thanks for being there, for not telling him he's just wrong and these things "aren't him," or whatever.]
You've seen people do this before? What'd they do about it?
Right, could've phrased that better, [ charles mutters, a little sheepish — but he hopes it gets the point across, regardless. what's important is... well, not glossing over it, or trying to insist that nothing is wrong, because something very clearly is; so maybe it's more about making sure junpei knows that it's okay, for things to be wrong.
he squeezes junpei's hand, then, wraps his other arm tighter around him. ]
No, you shouldn't. Yeah, it sucks, but — you were dealt a shitty hand, and you did your best to survive with that. That's not nothing.
[ he sighs, then, looks at the ceiling for a moment, thinking. ]
The thing is... most of them were already dead. And when you're dead, well, all you've got is time. But what helped them move on? [ he sighs again, this time softer, glancing at junpei lying there against his chest. ]
Remember when I said detective stuff's real terrible sometimes, unless you have good ways to deal with it all? Turns out the best way to deal with anything's having support. Not being alone. So there's not, like, one way to process the stuff you've been through... but there's one difference to before and now, yeah? You're not alone anymore.
[Love to have something wrong with him... Junpei hums, although it's somewhat resigned; he really, really doesn't want to admit these things are there at all, let alone affecting him as much as they are. Too late for that, at this point, so. Oh well. He'd love to sulk about it, instead, but too late for that too?
And it's a shame there's no magic cheat code to just getting rid of all of this, huh. What is he supposed to do, go to therapy? Here, in the AI world? The AI can't build a therapist, that's a non-starter.
But he's not alone anymore, that's something. That's everything.]
...Right.
[Does he still deflate some, since there's no way forward except through, or however it goes? Yeah, kind of. It's a pain not to get it over with all at once!]
I'll... try? Probably going to take a while.
[They have plenty of time here, though, so there's that.
... .....okay, he's got his first Healing Activity, listen,] So there's this movie where a bunch of guys in an office take baseball bats and beat the shit out of their office's crappy fax machine. Can we do that to the bracelet?
[ if there was a magic cheat code, charles would have used one himself — but no, it's not that easy. ]
Hey, [ he says then, as junpei deflates, turning his head and pressing a soft kiss to junpei's hair, ] I know it's real hard to... say it, yeah? Admit that there's some shit you need to work through. So... I'm proud of you. Honest.
[ he hopes that his voice reflects his sincerity; because he is, he's so, so glad that junpei even managed so much as to talk about this. he'd know, right — the way it's so much easier to hold it all in, to pretend it's fine, to not have to face your own demons. ]
Trying's perfect. And take all the time you need, yeah? I'm not going anywhere. [ he's going to be here for him, forever if it's up to him.
the healing activity startles a laugh out of him; but he nods, of course. ]
Sure, love. You can borrow my bat. Or if you want, I can make you one to keep. [ if he wants an enchanted baseball bat... just in case. ]
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and so he listens — quiet and serious, watching junpei carefully, even as he's looking at somewhere else with an unfocused gaze... and it's probably a good thing, because charles is pretty sure his expression is betraying how badly his heart is breaking right now, how the dark, depressing reality of what must have been junpei's everyday life is splintering the shards that he's not quite put together after the whole fifteen-ways-of-dying spiel —
this time, the tears are quieter, not sobs but simply there, falling from the corners of his eyes as he closes them for a moment before he just pulls junpei closer into a hug, cradles him against his chest and just breathes. ]
I'm sorry, [ he says eventually, with a quiet desperation, ] I'm so sorry you had to go through that alone. It's not fair — what happened to all those people, what happened to your coworkers... so many people die who don't deserve it at all, and no one gives a shit. [ he pulls back enough to move his hand and press his palm against junpei's cheek, gently. ] I'm sorry you had to go through that, love, but don't — don't be embarrassed, yeah? You did what you could to get through what no one bloody should. And I'm glad you did make it through.
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But he can agree with the first sentiment, that everything sucks and no one cares when good people die, so,] I almost get it— the whole... crazy obsession with time travel. It sounds good, right? And then you think about it...
[And then it never stops, or those what ifs latch on and don't let go, and people start making worse and worse decisions about it. He reaches up to wipe a thumb over Charles' cheek once more.
I'm glad you did make it through, sweet words for a sweet idea, and Junpei still wonders—did he? He's not really okay, is he, how okay does he have to be to have made it through anything intact—]
I really love you, you know, [he says, because agreeing with the rest of what Charles says feels like lying; the shame is still there. Maybe eventually, but for now at least his gratitude is genuine. It's part shame and part desire to prove that he does take care of himself a little that makes him say,] I don't drink alone anymore, so...
Well, yeah. Ask another?
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and really, he means made it through in quite a literal way — that he's here, right now, in whatever shape he is; it's better than not making it, ending up like his coworkers, or worse still, going to sleep and never waking up. making it through is this, him right here, as not-at-all-okay as he is. not the same as he was before it all, no, but here. ]
Love you too. [ it's softly said and fully meant, an automatic response as it is; and then he adds, softer still, ] And you sleep in a proper bed. [ so yeah, that's good, at least things are a little better, now.
but right — he tries to think of what else to ask, out of the many things he is still in the dark about. ] So... how'd you go from that to volunteering for the experiment?
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He fidgets again, but this time it's to squirm in closer, tuck his head under Charles' chin and squeeze around his waist. Time to throw Akane under the bus, he supposes...]
I was looking for Akane. Well, I was looking for her the whole time, but after this case where we got involved taking down this fucked up religious cult base, her name came up...
[A beat.]
Not- she wasn't in the cult, she was just investigating them too. So that intel pointed me at the experiment, and I got myself in there. I didn't know the rest was going to happen.
[Would he have forced his way in there anyway if he had, for her sake? Yeah, of course, absolutely. Without hesitation. That's different.]
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Wait, [ he says, tilting his head a little so he can try to look at junpei, except he's mostly just looking at the top of his head, so — scratch that, then. ]
I thought she was, like, your friend, yeah? Why were you looking for her? Couldn't you just, I dunno, give her a call?
[ he's... quite genuinely asking this. because it's not adding up — he'd get looking for her as a pi if she was missing, but if all the time she'd been out there looking for a cult, then she clearly wasn't missing! ]
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What, Akane? No way. She ran off after the first time, no number, no contact, nothing. It was dumb luck that I found her at all, the way she covers her tracks.
[He slides his hands up to run through Charles' hair again, soothing, although whether that's more for Charles or himself is anyone's guess.]
We went to elementary school together. [uh, whatever that is in English, he doesn't know,] Then I didn't see her again until the first "game." And after that she disappeared, until I found her in that experiment.
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slowly, he starts moving one hand up and down junpei's back, his other arm still tight around him. ]
So... let me get this right. You went to all that trouble, for someone who you hadn't seen in years and who ditched you after the first shitty game with no explanation?
[ sorry, but that sounds — like she didn't deserve any of his effort, actually, and this is coming from the guy who died for someone he wasn't even friends with. but there's a difference; because a good person doesn't just walk off without a word. a good person wouldn't let junpei go through all he did, just like that. ]
She better have apologised for making you go through all that just to find her.
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So, there's that. He pauses then; Akane is important to him, even if she's done all these things. It's complicated—she's complicated, and so it's difficult to say these things that make her look... shitty.
But lying to Charles isn't an option, so,] She didn't want me there. She didn't even want to talk to me until the game forced her to.
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If she just up and disappeared like that... yeah, of course you wanted to find her. [ it fully makes sense to him, with what he knows of junpei, has come to know of him in the past months.
and once again, junpei's response makes charles pause, lift his head a little so he can just aim his flat look at the wall, swallow down his first instinct to say what he really thinks; because despite what he'd say is normal sense, junpei seems to care about akane, which means charles probably shouldn't say what he's thinking of — ]
What the hell, [ he says, which is not the worst he could be saying but definitely not the best either, so he mutters, ] Sorry. Just... doesn't sound fair to me.
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Because it's all or nothing with her, isn't it. Always has been. He half-laughs again, giving Charles another squeeze.]
No, I know, it's okay. I get it. I told her that... she didn't listen to that, either. She's got these big plans, right? You can't get in the way of her big plans, she'll just step right over you.
[Mmm... mmm. Hm.] She's seen the timelines, so... I don't know, she's stuck in all that stuff. She doesn't listen to anybody.
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and yet, it's hard to remain objective about this, when it'd be so easy to just blame one person for the terrible, horrible things that junpei has been through.
he sighs and buries his face in junpei's hair for a moment, and when he pulls back, it's to say, ]
I get why you said she'd hate being stuck here. [ and then, with another sigh, ] We can talk about something else. I'm not gonna stop being angry with her for what she's made you go through, but... well, doesn't matter much, does it? Doubt I'm ever gonna have the chance to tell that to her face, and if she didn't listen to you, then...
[ well, what good would he do? so yeah, maybe he'll just swallow his anger and frustration and cast about for another topic. ]
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He sighs and shifts to lean on his elbow, so he can look Charles in the face properly.]
I wouldn't hate if you told her off, [if he's being entirely honest! It would be cathartic! It also wouldn't work, that much is correct, but still. For a few seconds, it would be cathartic.] You still want to ask stuff, or...?
[Or is he spent, is that too much upsetting Junpei lore than he needs in one sitting—]
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Can you tell me about the bunker? I mean, what was all that about? Hell asshole two.
[ because he still remembers that... but junpei never really explained all that either, what exactly the second game had been about. and maybe it matters less, in the grand scheme of things, than the deaths and the bad coping methods, because those are junpei-specific and the bunker isn't... but it's the one significant piece of information missing from the chain of events he's put together from everything junpei's told him so far. ]
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I can try. [Give him a second. ...Okay,] So, that guy was from the religious cult, yeah? And he wanted to get all of us, the people who can shift, to learn all the necessary fun facts and shift ourselves into the timeline where we could find this supposed terrorist who was going to drop nukes on, you know, the whole planet.
[A beat, because he knows how it sounds, and it's going to get wackier before it gets less so,] In the other timelines, Asshole Two's cult are the ones who set off the bombs... to try and kill six billion people just to get that one guy, apparently. So... high stakes, I guess.
[Ridiculous. He sighs and flops back down from his elbow, letting his cheek smush into the mattress for a moment. How is this his life, Charles. How did these things really happen.] And I can't believe I'm getting to this third, but he also had to make sure he was, like, born. His parents were in there with us, just... pre-parenthood.
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[ and then the last thing makes him open his mouth, close it again, and then just say even more empathically, ] What.
[ that's exactly the kind of crazy time-travel thing he'd expect from, you know, bad movies or something, and the fact that it's junpei's life... with a sigh, he turns onto his back, and uses the arm still wrapped around junpei to tug at him, to try and signal for him to just settle his head on his chest instead. ]
That's crazy, and I've seen a crow turned human try and feed us to this giant mushroom thing because the witch whose familiar he was got pissed at us.
[ so he's a self-proclaimed expert at crazy shit, and that... definitely fits the bill. ] So, what happened? Did you stop the bombs?
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[It'd almost be funny, if not for the big snake from weeks ago, and how there's got to be a much more unsettling backstory to Charles' mushroom-feeding summary. Still, witches would be, hm, easier than six billion people dying.
Junpei pushes himself up to flop in the other direction, onto Charles, bracing an arm on his chest now to look down at him. He raises an eyebrow. Darling, dearest. Guess.]
But I don't know, I showed up here too quickly... so if that guy's even real, he's still out there somewhere. And you know the other timelines are still real, so...
[So actually! It's dire! It's the kind of dire that excuses Akane's actions, in the back of Junpei's mind, even if for Charles' sake he's not going to bring her up again. If there is a Golden Timeline, maybe someone should try to find it, right? But he doesn't want to do that.]
I give it a strong maybe eventually.
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[ and then he's forgetting all about monty, because junpei is fixing him with a look, and he promptly loses all ability to worry about anything else except him, and the way the eventual answer makes him frown. ]
So... [ so if he's no longer shifting, then he won't know what happens to the other timelines, right? yeah, he's definitely seeing how the time travel actually really sucks. ]
Hey, [ he says instead, lifting his hand and cupping junpei's cheek. ] Those other timelines... they're not your responsibility. I know you know that, but just — making sure, yeah?
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[No, he won't do this, it's fine. He tilts into Charles' touch, closing his eyes with another sigh. It's another objective fact, right, that he's not responsible for all those other timelines - well, not according to fucking Aldrip, but never mind that now - and this one he mostly believes, if only because thinking about it makes him want to rip out his own brain stem. This is the train of thought that turned Akane into the person she is, isn't it? It's not a good one.
So,] Yeah, I know. I told you this is the timeline we get, remember? I'm not going back on that.
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[ but enough about that... there's a moment he feels yet another wave of overwhelming sadness for junpei and the way he may know this, the timelines not being something he should deal with... and yet he's still forced to know of them, know that he could try, but has to choose not to do it.
instead of crying about it this time, though, charles moves his hand to the back of junpei's neck, pulls him down enough so he can lift his head to give him a gentle kiss. ]
Good. And any time you need a reminder, well... I'm here.
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Unimportant; important is Charles and his unwavering support, the way he says he'll always be there and Junpei believes it, because he has been. Leaning down to kiss him feels like a punctuation mark on that, tying it off with a silent acknowledgement, yes, he knows, and he's lucky for it.
He lingers close, hovering there, brow knit. The sick and greasy thing that lives in his stomach twists into another impossible knot, darkens his thoughts in a bid to not be mentioned, no matter how many insane things he's already said that Charles has accepted, surely, surely... He hasn't asked anything else, so therefore, Junpei is off the hook, he doesn't have to say anything else, and that's going back on his word already, huh.]
I don't know how to say any of this without blowing it off, [he says, so, fair warning if he somehow turns this into a "yippee, life sucks!" moment again, in advance,] But I think I... hang on.
[Hold on, one moment please. Hmnh.] All of that shit, I think it fucked me up real bad? I mean, I should at least cry about it, right? What the hell is wrong with me?
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anyway, yes, definitely unimportant in the grand scheme of things, and even more specifically in the context of this conversation; and it's not a conversation that's over, either, because despite charles' lack of a follow-up question, junpei continues to speak, prefacing his words with a quiet warning and charles braces himself, then... a good thing, too, because the bluntness of it, when junpei finally manages to wrench the words out, well — it stabs right at the center of him in a completely different way than the craziness of everything he's just learned did.
because this is about junpei himself, again, and charles wants nothing more than for him to be okay — and he knows that that's just not the way things are, would have known it even without junpei spelling it out like this, and can his heart break for the third time in, what, an hour? it's certainly making its best effort to do just that.
gently, he lifts his hand, runs it through junpei's hair. ]
There's nothing wrong with you, sweetheart. I mean — [ a breath, then, because he needs to rephrase this, ] There is, but that's what's not wrong, yeah? What you've been through would've fucked anyone up. What would be wrong would be... expecting you to just be fine after all of that.
[ with a sad, small smile that's the barest twist of his lips, ] I've seen this a couple of times, over the years. When stuff just gets so much that you — I don't know, lock it away, I guess? When feeling anything about it hurts so much it's easier to not feel anything.
[ he sighs, because those have been — well, cases he'd much prefer not to remember, and to think junpei's feeling that exact same thing, now... but no, he can hold himself together. he can't afford anything else, right now. ] So my best guess is that's what you're doing.
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Then he settles in to let Charles' words wash over him, scooting down to rest his head on Charles' chest properly now, taking hold of Charles' hand in his hair to thread their fingers together.
Locking it away, not feeling anything— he'd said that to Carlos and Akane, about probably going numb, and then? The Decision Game had forced him to feel everything all at once in the longest adrenaline rush of all time, so much that suddenly arriving in Aldrip and having nothing to do but get a normal, boring job and hang around seemed, at first, to be—healing. He wonders now if it's been little more than an emotional rest stop, just waiting for him to get back to the total breakdown that's probably inevitable.
He says,] Well, I should kick my ass for that, because it sucks.
[It's all he's got; saying it at all took this long, and he only doesn't shove away from it entirely again because Charles doesn't shove away from it. Junpei squeezes his hand in silent thanks for being there, for not telling him he's just wrong and these things "aren't him," or whatever.]
You've seen people do this before? What'd they do about it?
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he squeezes junpei's hand, then, wraps his other arm tighter around him. ]
No, you shouldn't. Yeah, it sucks, but — you were dealt a shitty hand, and you did your best to survive with that. That's not nothing.
[ he sighs, then, looks at the ceiling for a moment, thinking. ]
The thing is... most of them were already dead. And when you're dead, well, all you've got is time. But what helped them move on? [ he sighs again, this time softer, glancing at junpei lying there against his chest. ]
Remember when I said detective stuff's real terrible sometimes, unless you have good ways to deal with it all? Turns out the best way to deal with anything's having support. Not being alone. So there's not, like, one way to process the stuff you've been through... but there's one difference to before and now, yeah? You're not alone anymore.
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And it's a shame there's no magic cheat code to just getting rid of all of this, huh. What is he supposed to do, go to therapy? Here, in the AI world? The AI can't build a therapist, that's a non-starter.
But he's not alone anymore, that's something. That's everything.]
...Right.
[Does he still deflate some, since there's no way forward except through, or however it goes? Yeah, kind of. It's a pain not to get it over with all at once!]
I'll... try? Probably going to take a while.
[They have plenty of time here, though, so there's that.
... .....okay, he's got his first Healing Activity, listen,] So there's this movie where a bunch of guys in an office take baseball bats and beat the shit out of their office's crappy fax machine. Can we do that to the bracelet?
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Hey, [ he says then, as junpei deflates, turning his head and pressing a soft kiss to junpei's hair, ] I know it's real hard to... say it, yeah? Admit that there's some shit you need to work through. So... I'm proud of you. Honest.
[ he hopes that his voice reflects his sincerity; because he is, he's so, so glad that junpei even managed so much as to talk about this. he'd know, right — the way it's so much easier to hold it all in, to pretend it's fine, to not have to face your own demons. ]
Trying's perfect. And take all the time you need, yeah? I'm not going anywhere. [ he's going to be here for him, forever if it's up to him.
the healing activity startles a laugh out of him; but he nods, of course. ]
Sure, love. You can borrow my bat. Or if you want, I can make you one to keep. [ if he wants an enchanted baseball bat... just in case. ]
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